I was born in a town where the rivers flow free on a January night when the cold winds freeze...

I got an Irish name and an injury. Blessing and a curse cast down on me. Ain't nobody got the blues like me... Ain't nobody got the blues like me...

What a day... damn. I made a huge mistake at work. HUGE mistake. Ive been crying all day and worried. I shipped a large order twice over accidentally, and unfortunately theres nothing that we can do about it. The duplicates are all arriving. When I realized the mistake, my stomach literally turned.

What makes it even worse is that my boss was so nice and understanding. It wouldve been easier if she had just called me stupid and been angry at me. I felt so stupid. I still do. Every few minutes when it crossed my mind I started crying again.

I hate to cry, I especially hate crying at work. And with everything thats been going on with my personal life, since I never let myself cry, when I get started its hard to stop.

I know things will get better. I know that 2011 will be a good year. I have to have faith in that otherwise theres no pint in moving forward. This was such a weird hard year. Plus, in January Bobby and I are going to see Brian Fallon. I can't believe it. I mean - we did go see The Gaslight Anthem. But I think that this time will be different. Its solo, different set. Maybe some Tom Petty and Springsteen covers. I dont know. I can't freakin stand it whenever I think about it. Im so excited. Brian Fallon isnt aware of it, be he and I have this thing. We're pretty close. He sings to me and I understand just how he feels. We know each other very well.

And we've never even said hello.

Thats whats so great about music I guess. The connection. If you dont feel it, or you havent found your heart songs, I feel bad for you. Youve been cheated.

Im listening to 'Boomboxes & Dictionaries' now...

Now it's 'We Came To Dance' :::swoon:::

Its 10pm. I took a break to get Carly in the shower and to get her ready for de bedz. Its been a quiet uneventful night. I like it like that. I wanted to read before bed, but Im so dang tired I might not get to. I have to work this Saturday, so that will be the 7th day in a row that I've worked. Im hoping that I dont have to work on Sunday. But then again, the money is nice to have.

Im thinking I wanna wrap this thing up. My eyes are droopy and feel like they need a break. I gotta get in my crappy bed (that I have to add air to every night and morning... slow leak I guess) and hopefully fall right asleep.

I got bleach on my red cardigan, so no more red cardigan basically.

Randon, I want a mood ring, but I only wear sterling silver, and the only sterling silver mood ring I found was over $100 and too small. Just my lucks!

Okay, this must end. Hah.

- Carly
- Bobby
- Hearing 'I'm sorry' even though it was sort of too little and to late. Unfortinately that's all we get because thats all there is.
- Carly's little face smiling at me
- My boss being really understanding when she didnt have to be
- Crying. I really hate to cry, but I never get it out, so I guess its good to do so. I guess.
- Knowing that I'm going to get to see Bobby tomorrow
- Molly's pageant and Pop's birthday
- You know..
- Oh gosh, why I was thinking of this today I DO NOT KNOW, but I do know there is only ONE person who will know what Im talkin about. - Poppy seeds. (you had to be there, okay, wait, I'm really glad that you werent there actually)
- Talking about the future with Bobby. This was actually a few weeks ago, but I havent mentioned it yet.
- Having my bad-ass Manda matrix scenes in my mind. Im pretty f'n awesome in my little mind.

- This video, which I came upon last night and told Bobby I was going include in my next blog...



COME ON! SING IT LIKE YA MEAN IT!

I told B it makes me wanna see it again but somebody borrowed it and has yet to return it ::cough!:: Will :::cough!::: Just sayin ;)

But seriously, is there anyone out there that doesnt love that movie? Is there anyone who didnt get goosebumps the first time they saw this scene? Im a ridiculous woman I know. Movies romaticize everything, and I know life isnt like that, but sometimes I wish I had THAT kind of life. With magic moments like you see in the movies.

Laying in bed last night, as I was thinking of everything thats been happening lately and the way Ive felt so miserable and insistant that there was no point and I was destined to miserable, I remembered something. I tuck Carly in every night. Every night I kiss her left cheek, then her right, then we rub noses four times and I kiss the top of her head. Everytime I do that, I feel really good. Like really happy. She's my world. And I knew I was genuinely happy just a few hours prior when I tucked her. And as I once said, a very long time ago in my (greatly missed, by ME) myspace blog, that I acknowledge that the key to happiness is realizing that things arent always great, and the most we can hope for is a few perfect moments from each day when things couldnt get much better. And I have that. Thats why I started the blog. Thats why I include a highlight list. This thing is supposed to keep me on track and help me to remember whats good. I need to get back to it. I allow life to tear me down too much.

So, I am going to try and be positive and try to blog everyday like I used. And I will remember that happiness is just a serie of moments when life can't get any better.

Like right now. I has the Brian Fallon :)

And I also have two more videos for you...



And this...



I'm not gonna lie to you, when I saw these links I got pretty damn excited. Its like Bobby's world and mine crashing together in epic awesomeness...

AND, one last one. If your here, and your reading my blog, please remember that the video is part of it and quite necessary to my mood, feeling, and personality.

In other words, please watch dem. Thanks! At least watch this one if you watch no other. Ive used it in my myspace blog (that I miss, Im gonna say it again..) but it's beautiful, and the story in the beginning always makes me tear up.



And I think thats gonna be a wrap.

Was a blood red sky on the morning tide. Was a cold wind blowing when I left that night. And the morning bells rang, alright, alright. Shoulda stayed home with you that night. Ain't nobody played the fool like I. Ain't nobody played the fool like I.. Things got bad and things got worse, half like blessing, half like curse. It's these blessings so hard to see sometimes. Gotta little clearer about dusk last night, ain't nobody got a blessing like mine. Ain't nobody got a blessing like mine. It's a red sky night and I'm doing alright. It's a red sky night and I'm doing just fine.

Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again...

...seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains. Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free. And I know some day I will find the key. I know somewhere I will find the key. Seems like I've been playing your game way too long. Seems the game I've played has made you strong. When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser. I know I'll walk out of here again. I know someday I'll walk out of here again. Well now I'm trapped...

Ive opened up a blank page on here for the past 2 nights, I just havent been able to get started. I worked from 8 to 7 today and yesterday pretty much. I slept through my alarm clock this morning. Honestly, its been a really bad day. I was excited (initially) about this Christmas. At the very beginning of the Holidays, I always have hope for something really great. Some Christmas magic. Last Christmas was kinda small and piddly for Carly. I tried but I didnt have alot of money. Its really lame and stupid, but this year when I was cleaning the house in preparation for the decorations, I decided that I would rearrange the furniture the way it was positioned the Christmas before last. Because that Christmas was a really good one and I thought maybe (even though I really do know better) that if I switched it around then maybe Christmas would be better this year.

Well, that didnt happen. In fact, life here in the house is getting harder everyday. I dont know what to do. Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. Im so tired, I dont know what the hell to do anymore.

If anyone would like to tell me what the hell Im supposed to do or what exactly it is that Im doing wrong, Id really appreciate it. I need a break. I need to do better. I need alot of things, I need someone to tell me what it is that I need because I clearly have been doing shit wrong for a very long time.

Im just sitting here listening to 'The River' and obsessing over things I cant change. I took a Tylenol PM and plan on going to sleep really soon. I asked someone the other night what does this all mean? I mean shit is hard. Really hard. Why are we all here? Why? I just dont understand. I hear sirens outside and I cant help wondering if its Santa Claus on the fire truck. But its after 9, so its likely just something awful thats happened. Thats what happens in life.

Friday will be my Pop's 83rd birthday. Im looking forward to that actually. And Thursday I have Molly's Christmas Pageant. Im looking forward to that too. Plus Bobby is going to both with me. He was here last night and I just feel better if I can hug him and put my head on his chest. Its strange how good that feels. It feels right. And I like that. Whenever I think about the way it feels when he hugs me, thats the only thing that comes to mind. It just feels right. In a place where so many things feel wrong. I dont care whats happening or where I am, it feels like Im where Im supposed to be, and thats something Im not very used to. Plus he lets me yap on about music and express every little thought and feeling that pops into my head. And I think he enjoys my music babble. We had a good weekend. We had a family get together at his Aunts on Saturday afternoon, then we went shopping. We'd had plans to go see the Pietasters, but Bobby wasnt feeling great and his knee was acting up, so we just took it easy really. And I was so tired. For no apparent reason, I was not able to sleep on Friday night and I was really exhausted on Saturday for most of the day. So I appreciated us being able to call it an early night.

Tonight though. Geez, there are no words. Except why? And no more... please. 'Backstreets' is playing now and it seems perfect...

I have some high points. In the middle of sheer crap- theres always a positive to be seen.

- Carly (of course)
- Bobby (as always)
- Having a job
- Overtime
- Having some hope for something.
- Thinking too much - it drives me crazy, but its part of who I am
- Laying on Bobby
- Having him to depend on. No matter what.
- Knowing I have a great fella, the bestest, better than all the restest!
- Carly telling ME a Beatles fact that I didnt know (this is from a few weeks ago, but still thrills me. Plus, I dont think Ive blogged about it yet)
- Sleeping
- Bruce Springsteen
- Being that much closer to Christmas, and almost through with the crazy madhouse that work becomes this time of year.
('Downbound Train' just went off and 'Incident On 57th Street' just came on. My iTunes is singing tome tonight)
- Going to 5 Guys. Its so bad, but I havent had it in forever so it was really good. And now I wish I had ity again.
- Running into Rita last week and finding out some great news, she's pregnant!
- Finding out that Danny & Sam are having a girl and naming her Abigail. I know they will call her 'Abby' for short, and so will I, but in my mind I will be saying ABBEY. And she will be an awesome chick, I can feel it.
- Driving with Bobby and listening to music. Even though it wasnt for too long, driving is one of my very favorite things. Whether Im talking, not talking. If the music is playing soft and we're looking out the windows. If the music is blasting and we're flying down the road. I love to be in the car with the music and nowhere to go.

Hope we do it again real soon.

So, iTunes is having a beautiful night. All the best Springsteen that makes ya feel like your all alone and that makes you think and that makes you realize that lifes hard but thats life.

I was looking at this woman I work with this afternoon. She is always so happy and pleasant. Shes even nice looking and has a sweet looking family. Shes genuine and you can tell she cares about everyone and shes never said a bad thing about anyone. Plus she is never snappy with anyone at work and she even smiles on bad days. So, getting back, I was watching her this afternoon. I knew she was having a rough day, only because she said 'Man, this has been a rough day.' but she was still smiling and friendly. She sat at her desk and answered the phone in her same pleasant tone and she always asks for my help and is so nice to me.

So, this afternoon, as I sat at my desk and worked, I thought what I wouldnt give to be so happy-go-lucky. Wow, if I could be like that. And the reason I wish I was is because seeing her and knowing her the bit that I do, makes me realize that it can be REAL to be happy-go-lucky. She isnt phony or annoying even. I like her. I feel ashamed when shes too nice to me because I almost feel like a jerk most of the time.

Not that any of this matters. I guess Ive just had a rough day and such. So Im analyzing things. And I have all my Springsteen songs shuffled and Jerry says Springsteen is always depressing. Which I dont think, but ever since he said that it remains in the back of my mind.

So, please, if things can get better or easier I hope that it can all start tomorrow.

'Factory' is on now.

I guess I should go now. Its getting late and I hope to go to bed by 10. And I still gotta call Bobby and say good nite.



One more...





And one for the evening, an just how it feels. Or should I say, 'but that's not the way it feels'..



I'm in love with music. Its the best thing.

Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long. Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm. But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me. Someday I'll walk out of here again. Someday I'll walk out of here again...

Trapped...

And I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real. How can you look at me, as if I was just another one of your deals?

Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold, you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold. You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin. Yeah,
now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him"...

Well, it's been a bit since Ive done this. I never get around to it even though I always want to. It makes me a happier me.

Work has been so crazy lately. I dont know what it is about the holidays that always make me feel just a little sad. Maybe its because things change over the years. Maybe its because my life isnt all worked out the way that I would like and I know that I can blame nobody but myself. I think of my friends who have had majpr changes in their lives recently and I feel guilty for feeling sad during the holidays. After all - my life at least maintains the same crap day in and day out.

Ive been working between 9-10.5 hour days. Carly misses me and Im tired. I havent been to the gym at all this week, and I hate that. Plus I know that next week is going to be a real shit storm at work. I'm dreading it. As I sit here right now in fact, I am obsessing about the unfinished work I left this evening when I came home. I have a head cold and my right ear isnt hearing right.

Another thing that happens every year is the guilt I feel for working long hours and the zombie that I become. Not to mention that I always feel that I am not getting Carly enough. Its tough at times. Feeling inadequate.

Ive been so damn wishy washy and tearing up at the drop of a hat. I welled up the other night watching a television show. Its stupid. I was alone, thankfully, but still I hate swallowing that lump in the throat.

I want Carly to have a great day, and all of my family and friends of course, but I will be glad when the season is over. Work to resume normal, life to slow back down and to not be pulled in 500 directions.

So, I am excited about a few things. I got Carly the Beatles Yellow Submarine action figures for Christmas. She asked for them. She also asked for a parakeet and a dsi. She just tacked the dsi onto her list and I can not afford it. Her grandmother is getting it for her, and for aome reason it makes me feel like a failure. Last night as we were decorating the tree Carly was saying how she hoped to get a dsi and I felt so ashamed for not being able to afford it. Ive gotten quite a bit of stuff and Bobby and I are planning to go finish shopping this weekend. I am looking forward to that. I think I'll feel better when all the shopping is done.

My high lights

- Carly
- Bobby
- Smiling
- Going out with friends and having a great time :)
- Getting Carlys Christmas stuff
- Making tattoo plans!
- Feeling better about the gym (although not this week)
- Being busy at work ( even though it drives me nuts...)
- Overtime and extra dough
- Laughing
- Singing
- Laying in bed and listening to music
- Reading
- My 'relationship with Brian Fallon that Bobby made fun of.


I could go on. I should go on. But its getting late. I need to finish up and get to sleep. Ive been staying up way too late and I need to get to sleep. Gonna be another long day tomorrow...

Just for you!


Hey, John Lennon. Your my guy.

..Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry. I said, "I love you like the stars above, I love you 'till I die" And there's a place for us, you know the movie song, when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?...

Once there was a way to get back homeward...

...Once there was a way to get back home. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby...

Where to start... I have so much to say! I can only start with what's fresh in my mind. The past weekend. Started good, great middle, good ending- in spite of me being me.. Pah.

Bobby had off all weekend. So on Friday night we just went back to his house and hung out, Saturday morning we went to the gym and had lunch, out to dinner at DiPasquale's (more about this later...) and then to Apeys. I cant mention the weekend and everything it entailed without mentioning that I received alot of nice gifts. No special occasion... well, Saturday was the day I showed up on dis earff, so I guess thats what the occasion was. I guess. So.. yeah nice gifts. Listing them all would make me feel like I were being 'showy'. Sunday needs it's own paragraph.

Okay- I'll name one gift. Bobby got me the new Clarence Clemmons Biography. Imma excited :)

Ok- so- DiPasquale's. Bobby and I saw it featured on 'Diners, Drive-In's & Dives' last year and we've always wanted to try it. We went there once but they close at like 6pm - so we've never made it there because of our schedules. BUT - Bobby was off this weekend, so it worked out well. Homemade arancini, lasagna. Good schtuff. Although one piece of that lasagne could feed 2 or 3 people. I couldnt finish it all.

Sunday we woke up (semi) early and listened to The Beatles Brunch* and then went to the Farmers Market. Had REALLY good foodssss. Then we went to Boordy's Vineyard and I got shitty on wine. Drunk on a Sunday and then I had to go into work and process orders. I don't know. I had a great time. April, Ray, Rita & Chris met us there after a while.

Oh wait- I have to rewind a second. At work on Thursday everyone gave me a nice card and gift card for Target (mah favorite store!)

Okay- I'll just say it. I had a nice birthday. There. I hid it off of Facebook because I hate fusses, but people will always fuss over you if they care. Apey made me a cake and so did my mom. I gripe all the time about things not going my way and how people dont really care. But Im a stupid ass. People care, and I have the best friends and family. I know it. I love them all.

Sooo, I wanted to blog last week and I never got to it. Ive been in reasonably good spirits lately. Not because of the past weekend, although that was a huge boost, but even before that. I sat down to blog but I couldnt get the needed privacy so I gave up. I'm happy. Ive been going to the gym. Im working on believing that I can achieve things. I have such a defeatist 'why bother?' attitude. Dammit, I make myself sick sometimes. Im the kind of person that would get on my nerves if I were talking to them.

The difference is that I dont share these feelings with anyone. I know its annoying so Im perfectly content to stew all alone internally in my little hell.

But Ive decided Im going to try. Thats hard for me- to put real honest effort into things because I fear failure and keeps me from trying. I hate having to say 'I didnt do it" or worse 'I cant do it'. This will be the year that I DO do it. I'm tired of being afraid. Sometimes failure isnt an option, and I cant let it be. This is stupid. This is the year that I will lose weight and stop being a little fatty and I will get my fracking license already. I cant let another birthday go by without it. It was fine for years and now all of sudden its just not. I'm going to be a confident, independent woman finally. No more shiz.

Mmm, so LAST (not this past, but the previous Sunday) there was no Beatles Brunch. It's stupid, but it really got to me. All I could think is that I wouldnt have that anymore. It was a thing I used to have with my Dad. He isnt here anymore, but we visit together every Sunday when I listen to The Beatles Brunch. Thats also how Bobby gets to know my Dad. One song at a time.

This is getting winded. If I blogged everyday like I wanted, maybe I could avoid such long blogs.

Moving forward!

- Carly (Of course!)
- Bobby
- "And it happened in a Wendy's" "But it was the perfect time, anyway" "I know."
- Boordy's
- Being remembered
- My Mom
- My friends :)
- Turkey burgerrrr and Thai Spring Rolls
- Lasagna
- My iPod
- The Beatles
- My conversation with Bobby about my "relationship" with music
- Going to the gym with Bobby (twice!)
- Laughing
- Being in the car with Bobby. Singing and talking.
- Holding his hand.
- Sitting on a blanket with Bobby and his wine fuzzies
- Beatles Brunch coming back
- Getting a text from Jess
- Listening to the pouring rain.. RIGHT NOW!

Theres more, I know theres morrrrreeee... It will come to me. I wont promise you I will blog everyday (like I want to) but I will try.

I have been going to the gym pretty regularly, and that makes me feel proud of myself. So far this week (well I guess technically last week) Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday, today.. and hopefully again maybe Saturday. We'll see. Im gonna try! Harder this time. For real this time!

My advice to you all - for EVERYDAY!



And I suppose that's all for now.

One more thing... THE BOSS, First Mariner Arena tomorrow. I'm so psyched!

...Golden slumbers fill your eyes, smiles awake you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby. Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home, sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby....

Holy Moses, I have been removed...

...I have seen the spectre he has been here too. Distant cousin from down the line, brand of people who ain't my kind. Holy Moses, I have been removed...

Blah. I skimmed past a few things in yesterday's blog. I always forget something.

So, today was feh. Im tired- it was boring and then shitty and now I'm finished with the day. On the plus, Bobby came over. I was feeling too bitchy to enjoy it. It is what it is. I have way too much crap on my mind anymore. I need to change some things. I feel trapped. I worry that things will never change.

Then it gets over whelming, then I just shut down and refuse to think about anything. At least until bed time when I'm stuck thinking about it.

I need to work on not getting so damn irritated. I need some time to myself alone sometimes. I really wish that people didnt just stop in my room and hover near me just because I have no bedroom door. It bothers me. If I am laying in bed reading, or typing on the computer- don't I deserve to be left alone? I'm never alone. And Im not talking about Carly either- because she's my baby. If she stops to talk to me or needs me or is in my room, that doesnt bother me.

Wah, wah, wah... I'll shuddup. I have to go to my grandparents tomorrow to help my brother trim hedges and bag up the branches. Because apparently my assistance is needed in everything. I am so exhausted of everything it's unbelievable. I want to break free. Dammit.

I am hoping that I can get to the gym tomorrow.

High Points!
- Carly
- Bobby
- Bobby's visit
- Getting things done at work
- Dinner. I enjoyed it
- Elvis Costello
- OH! Alex coming into work on Thursday of last week :)
- Seeing Fresh last week and today as well

So, I think Ive mentioned that I recently noticed how sensitive I actually am. Thats a lie- Ive always been real sensitive and Ive been aware of it for a very long time. Anyway- I just try not to let it get to me. But it's all been really getting to me alot lately. Somebody at work told me today that I am completely clueless. When I said that I wasnt- her reply was a snort and an 'yeah right' sounding "Please!".

You all know me. I am alot of things. Clueless or an airhead I never thought. It really hurt my feelings.

I hate letting shit get to me.

Song for the evening-



And I'm done for the day.

...Holy Moses, I have been deceived. Now the wind has changed direction and I'll have to leave. Won't you please excuse my frankness but it's not my cup of tea. Holy Moses, I have been deceived...

The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago...

...Turned around backwards so the windshield shows. Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse. Still, it's so much clearer....

I didnt blog at all last week. I dont think that anyone noticed. I opened this page almost 30 minutes ago and Ive just been listening to 'The Heart of Saturday Night' instead of typing and thinking about things that may or may not matter.

Last week was OK. On the plus- Amber started back for the Holidays. So we've been chatty. Bobby came over on Monday and on Thursday. I was so exhausted last week it was ridiculous. I went to bed early every night except for Thursday. I wanted to blame it on the Daylight Savings Time thing, but I dont know if thats what it was. I felt ok otherwise, but who knows? Im exhausted today- but thats because I got like 4 hours of sleep last night and Ive been awake since 7:30 this morning. Its been a crumby kind of day too. Bobby and I always listen to the 'Beatles Brunch' radio show on Sunday mornings when he drives me home. I used to listen to it with my Dad alot growing up. But the show wasn't on today. It really upset me. Then as soon as I get in the house I have to hear bitching and complaining about my choices and money, and guilt trips about upcoming plans that I've made for myself. Its hard to enjoy life sometimes. So I came home, attempted to watch a movie and that didnt work. Cleaned in the kitchen for a few hours organizing a cupboard for my mom. Yay today.

October is over- but it still lingers a bit. Im feeling alot better than I was. Ive been thinking alot more about myself lately- and Ive realized that I suck at confidence and believing in myself. Ive always believed I was a positive thinker- but thats just not true. At least not anymore. Ive thought alot about things Ive done the past year or so, and while alot of things have been great - I havent finished or evern bothered to try many things that have been on my list of things to better my life because I believe theres no real point in trying- because I probably can't do ____ insert whatever is on my mind at the moment.

It scares me because I see Carly getting that way her Math and I wonder does she see me not trying and think that same way about herself? I'll have to overthink this subject and analyze it as I lay in bed tonight.

Ive had a good weekend. Friday night Bobby and I didnt really do anything. It was my brothers birthday so we hung out at home and Bobby bought him pizza. Cake. Dinner. Presents. It was nice. Bobbys brother and his girlfriend brought their snapping turtle 'Aquapig' home to stay on Friday. She's cute. I touched her foot and thought she was very cute.

Yargh. Let me back up a little. Thursday was actually my favorite day of the week (not weekend) because Bobby came over and we got to be all snuggly and we watched Survivor together. I seriously love it when he comes and watches TV with me. I like laying all over him. And we had Play-Doh time with Carly later than normal since she was off on Friday. I made her a Turkey- she seems to always pick with the seasons.

Going back a little further- I hated Monday. For the obvious, normal, to be expected Monday reasons- but also because I burned my damn right ring finger pretty bad. Its still sore now almost a week later. And it looks gross.

Guess I'd better accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative...
- Carly
- Bobby
- Jerry's birthday
- Jerry's birthday cake...
- Amber starting back
- Poker night
- Panera Bread
- Panera Bread's new Macaroni & Cheese.
- Not really caring
- Smiling
- Singing in the car with Bobby
- Deciding to decide that I am way too self deprecating after all, and further deciding that I had better think more about this whole thing in bed tonight.

Well, I would like to try and blog a few times this week. It makes me feel better. Last week I was just DOA so I couldnt. I'm hoping for a better week for blogs this week. And also hoping that I will stop dwelling on Jessica and all that crap. Because it crosses my mind at least once (really several) time a day how we never talk anymore. And I was always so proud that we had been able to stay great friends for so long. Now- when I do happen to get her on IM or something half the time she has nothing to say to me and signs off without saying bye.

But I am going to tell you (as well as myself) that I really dont care about all that.

As usual...


...I forgot my shirt at the water's edge. The moon is low tonight. Night swimming deserves a quiet night. I'm not sure all these people understand. It's not like years ago, the fear of getting caught, of recklessness and water...

All my little plans and schemes, lost like some forgotten dreams...

...Just like little girls and boys, playing with their little toys. Seems like all we really were doing was waitin' for love. Lonely to be alone, no need to be alone. It's real love, it's real, Yes it's real love, it's real....

Ugh Thursday. Has this been the longest week of the year? Plus there was yesterday when I spent the day ahead of myself a whole day. That is the most depressing thing ever. I was thinking that my weekend was gonna start today and shit. Hah. Damn - when I finally realized what day of the week it was I was crushed for a minute.

Today has been pretty quiet. Another productive day at work. That always puts me in a good mood. I realized something today though. I'm way more sensitive then Ive ever let on or actually realized. Someone at work said something to me today that hurt my feelings. And then I was mad at myself for feeling hurt. Im usually pretty "whatever." about things like that.

And she probably said it in jest. At least thats what Ive been telling myself. Of course, many a true word is spoken in jest.

We've all heard that- we all know its true. Hell, we all do it from time to time. Its a cop out. So if your challenged or questioned on what you've just said - you can back out of it by simply saying "I was kidding!" No ya weren't.

And Im obsessing. And Im done obsessing.

High points:
- Carly!!
- Bobby! He came to visit :)
-Survivor. Haha - yeah I said it and I mean it.
- Getting things done.
- Talking to Carly. REALLY talking to her.
- Carly singing in the shower.
- Reading a book to Carly.
- Smiling like I mean it
- The kindness of others.
- Chili with Fritos, even though it was too spicy.
- Being snuggly with Bobby
- Carly's explaination of LOVE

Carly and I had a 'disagreement' tonight. That resulted in me yelling at her. I felt crappy, so I went in to Carlys room past her bedtime and she was still awake- just laying there. This happens more than it should. She's like me in an unfortunate way, she lays in bed at night and thinks. It doesnt matter how tired she is, she thinks too much to rest. It sucks. I can never turn my mind off.

So, I sat on her bed tonight and I was talking to her about the trouble she's been having in Math. She told me Math bores her and she doesnt get it. And she said she thinks about other stuff in Math class. She's passing her other classes. She has a 'D' in Math. Well, she could be doing better in Social Studies too, but Math is bad. She told me that she thinks of other things in Math. Like Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Christmas. And she said whether or not her Dad is going to visit is ALWAYS in the corner of her mind.

We talked a few minutes and she cried about how she's missed him since he moved to North Carolina. And since then Ive been sitting here crying because she was. I can hold in tears for alot of stuff. For myself, sappy movies, bad injuries... but with Carly my heart breaks with her. I just want her to be okay and I want this school year to get better and be a good one. I feel like I'm failing here if she isnt doing well. So, I guess we're all going to have to try harder.

For my number ones!






...From this moment on I know, exactly where my life will go. Seems that all I really was doing was waitin' for love. No need to be afraid, no need to be afraid. It's real love, it's real, yes it's real love, it's real. Thought I'd been in love before, but in my heart I wanted more. Seems like all I really was doing was waitin' for you...

Round here, we always stand up straight. Round here, something radiates...

...Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand, she said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis. She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land just like she's
walking on a wire in the circus...

The days are getting better. I was a little out of it at work and my boss caught me dazing off. She asked me to do something and came back a few minutes later to see if I had done and I was just sort of staring at Facebook when she came back. I felt schmuck-y. Then I felt guilty and like I was a bad employee. I hate that shit. Ive had a series of sad freaking songs playing in my mind all day. It seems like Im always on the verge of tears but I never actually cry or anything. I feel my eyes filling up, and the tears are right there. One blink and they will come falling. But somehow I stop it. Which is good because I seriously hate crying.

Other than that- I didnt get to the gym today. April couldnt go because she hurt her back. I just feel like I can't get started.

Or maybe I just dont want to get started because I'm afraid of failing.

Bobby had a Halloween thingy to go to tonight and I couldnt go because I dont like to go out when the baby is home. Between getting her fed, bathed, homework done, bedtime and all that jazz, I'm lucky to have time to be sitting here writing this dribble. However, I do miss Bobby when he's is out. I feel like we havent talked all week even though I know we have. I dont know. This week is dragging. I spent the whole day believing it was Thursday and telling customers that called in that if they wanted their order for the weekend that I would have to overnight it on Friday for delivery on Saturday morning. Which is like super expensive. I had to call back 2 people after I relized what day of the week it was. I just can't get my head on straight this week.

OH, and a friend of mine brought her son to work today and I held him. Cutest smile ever. There is something about being around a baby, and a baby smell that just makes me happy. And holding him just makes it even more awesome. Plus he's a doll face. It definitely put me in a good mood today.

High points:
- Carly
- Bobby
- Jenn and Dan coming out a few weeks ago. (Haven't seen her in a few years!)
- Laying in bed listening to my iPod.
- The Crumbiest Playlist ever
- Being a 'thinker' - even though it drives me nuts
- Carly 'remembering' Sam. The Play-Doh Scarecrow that she asked me to make the other night when Bobby was here. (See pic, we will never forget you, Sam...)
- Talking to my grandparents, and my Pop telling me that he loves me too instead of 'same here' which is what he usually says.
- Fried potatoes. But I hate food.
- Making dinner for Carly & Abby
- Feeling somewhat inspired.
- Seeing and then holding Alex.


Theres more. Theres always more. I need to get back into the swing of writing a blog. I miss writing on myspace, man. I hardly log in there but I have so many blogs there. I wish I could export them here. Plus I think I had more of a following there.

:::sigh:::

I have a couple songs for you tonight. I enjoy them, maybe you will too.



I wanted the 'Dire Straits' version of this song, but I couldnt find a good version of it on youtube. I did stumble upon this though, and I must say that I am pleasantly surprised.



And I guess that's a wrap. There will be a tomorrow night. And I may just write again. I feel better when I do.

In the meantime, 2 more days and it will be 3 years. I'm sure that I am just dreading the days leading up to this more than I am dreading the actual day. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that.

...She parks her car outside of my house and takes her clothes off. Says she's close to understanding Jesus. She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood, she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.
Round here we're carving out our names. Round here we all look the same. Round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs. Round here she's slipping through my hands...


-

Until you've seen this trash can dream come true...

...You stand at the edge while people run you through. And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. I thank the Lord there's people out there like you...

Two nights in a row. Ive had a bad night. The days can be really shitty anytime, but today was especially bad. Plus, I just have been having an October all month long.

Work was a little quieter today. I went in half an hour earlier to get some things done. I actually felt productive by the end of the work day. I didnt feel like a failure. I hate that about work. Sometimes I feel like Im getting nowhere.

Since I had tonsillitis last week I didnt go to the gym. Granted, I couldnt eat so I didnt eat much, but I still feel awful. I need to get back to the gym. I think I'd feel better. Ive been sitting around watching TV alot lately. Which sucks. I never used to do that. But I got sucked into 'The Biggest Loser' this year. Ive never watched it before. I thought 'Hey, I joined a gym, this will inspire me' but instead it makes me feel hopeless. I hate having myself beaten before I really get started. But I know me.

Take last year for example. The whole 'Driver's License' thing. I hate being afraid. And I know my biggest issue is that I dont really believe in myself.

Ah well. I obsess way too much.

Did I mention I had a really bad night? I really did. I need to get my own place again. I really wish that things were different at least. I'm way too old to hope that one day I'm going to go to bed one night and wake the next day and everything prior to that will have been just a bad nightmare.

But every damn night before I go to bed I have that little thought. Tonight will be tonight. Everything will be different tomorrow. I will wake up in my own house. I will wake up with enough money to live comfortably, because more than what I need will change me. I will be thinner. I will be happier. I will still have a best friend named Jessica, and she won't have forgotten me. I will have a really good relationship with my mom and she won't be disappointed in me everyday. She will be happier. My brother will be happier. I'll have my license and a car. And be confidant.

But I always wake up to the crappy alarm clock feeling like crap and wishing I were somewhere else.

And skimming over that just now I realize how blah I sound.

There were some high points.
- Carly
- Bobby
- Feeling productive at work.
- Being smiled at.
- Getting a copy of the homework that Carly forgot...
- Being quiet.
- Hot showers.
- Elton John
- Realizing that this is pay week.
- Bobby forcing me to play Beatles' Rock Band, and me really enjoying it.
- The Baltimore Book Fair with Carly, Bobby & Michelle.

Hmm... some of this stuff is from weeks past. I will throw in some random stuff I remember here and there in my upcoming posts.

I guess that's all for now. Oh, last week I saw The Gaslight Anthem. They were really great. I had wanted to see them for so long and Bobby got the tickets a while back. I wish I could have been closer, but I decided to keep a distance because I was afraid being in a sweaty crowd might make me sick again.

I'm pretty tired.


However, this video made me perk up a little. He's a sexy mofo. Plus it's a Beatles tune. I can't name all the awesomeness. The sexy man. The sexy voice. The fact that The Gaslight Anthem is an awesome band on it's own. From 2:21 to roughly 2:54 was mmmm...azing. That made my night. I think. Plus he looks like he's enjoying the song. And who wouldnt be, really?

Maybe life will all be different ONE day. I think that maybe this will be year for better things.

...While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, sons of bankers, sons of lawyers, turn around and say good morning to the night. For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why. They know not if it's dark outside or light...

Every time I see your face It reminds me of the places we used to go...

...But all I've got is a photograph, and I realize you're not
coming back anymore..

Ugh. I have such a hard time sitting here at night. I love to blog, I just feel like I don't ever have the time. October is miserable for me anyway. Be happy that I didn't blog all month long as promised. You would've been so damn depressed by the end of the month you'd be sending me on my way.

October USED to be my favorite. The colors are the prettiest this month. The weather is usually crisp and chilly but not too cold. There are sharpened pencils in Carly's pencil case and I just loved it. Then 3 years ago October started the worst time in my life and I can't bring myself to really enjoy it the way that I used to. You all already know what happened. But if your new here - then maybe you don't. My Dad had terminal cancer. His birthday is on October 19th and I don't even think he knew I was there to see him. I hope he did. He wanted a Lemon Meringue Pie. I remember staring at the pie on his little hospital table and knowing he would really love it. If he would've been able to wake up and see us and have that pie. I dont think a pie has ever meant so much to me. And even though I had my mom there and other various family members, I was all alone. Gary left. He had broken up with me when we got home from the hospice. My life was just a wreck. All in October. And then my Dad passed away on October 30th, I was at work. I was waiting for a co-worker to bring me back a small fry from Mcdonald's and a 6-piece Chicken nugget. To this day I never order that combination of food. I always have a burger and fries. Or nuggets and a shake. Like I should even eat McDonald's. But I feel like if I order that exact meal again that something bad could happen to me. That was the year that Carly was Supergirl for Halloween. That was the year really really bad things happened to me and I cried like my heart was physically cracking in half. For all I know- it may have. My doctor said it didnt sound right in there - but I can't be bothered with MRI's and all that stuff. Remembering that day makes this big ball of sick form in my stomach. It turns over and over. I can feel it there and I don't like it. My Dad would have been 59 this year.

I've been in such a bad mood. October, you really broke my heart. You did. I can't breathe well through you. I can't feel too good. I'm either really sad or really mad. You should never come around me anymore. We just can't be friends anymore. And if you have been around me this month, then I apologize. I can't control myself lately.

I will feel so much better in November. On November 15th. Better even- November 20th. When Springsteen comes to town.

I think alot of me in my own place. I see myself walking around in my place. Maybe with a cup of coffee and a book. It's wierd. Its on my mind alot.

Ive been up to alot lately. I joined a gym. I had tonsillitis. I went to a Halloween party and dressed up silly. I made a scarecrow out of Play-Doh. I saw Jeff Dunham. I saw my friends. I met one of Bob's friends. I had to eat soft food. I still haven't had a good potsticker.

- Carly
- Bobby
- Having a job
- Seeing my pals
- Being remembered
- Getting well again
- Thinking too much
- Remembering
- Being a better person now
- Carly's Beatles tee shirts

I can name 25 days worth of high points. Theres so many more than that, but they pass me by and go unnoticed when I don't share regularly.

I won't be posting on Friday, but this video is for that day.




I am promising myself that I will do this more frequently. I feel a little better just having typed it out.

I thought I'd make it the day you went away, but I can't make it til you
come home again to stay.

I can't get used to living here.
While my heart is broke, my tears are cried for you.

People say Im lazy dreaming my life away...

...Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me, when I tell them that Im doing fine watching shadows on the wall. Dont you miss the big time boy? Your no longer on the ball...

So, I don't even sign into myspace daily anymore, so, I figured that I would give it a go on here and blog here. I liked blogging on myspace, and I don't like to start over.

I don't like change too much. It scares me. Make me uncomfortable and it makes me quiet. It makes me think too much.

I am just going to pick up where I left off when I posted on myspace. Which was daily at one time. I am going to assume that my audience is the same. And I believe that my last post was before Bobby and I went to Alex & Chloe's wedding. I wore a brown dress and felt awkward. Plus the shoes I bought hurt my feet. If feet could cry, mine would have been sobbing that day. If I ever find the man that invented high heels, I'll kill it. The shoe, not the man.

So, yeah - the wedding. It was really nice. I appreciated the invite, not because I love weddings, but because it's always nice to be remembered. I wore a dress because I think Bobby really wanted me too. I was uncomfortable and I got a run in my damn pantyhose on the way there. Because that's just me.

Oh well. Alot have things have been happening. Bobby bought tickets for us to see Bruce Springsteen in November. We are seeing The Gaslight Anthem in October. I can't stop listening to The Beatles and George Harrison's solo schtuff. Well, tonight it's John Lennon Acoustic. Its just the kind of mood I'm in. Ive switched to Elton John and even tried The gaslight Anthem. But I'm kinda bummed and John Lennon's familiar voice is the only thing that feels good at the moment.

I almost hate to say that I love The Beatles. It's like saying you love ice cream. Or dogs. Sunshine. Love. Whatever. Nobody cares. I have a passion for them. They are like going home. Eh. I can get all into it, but I don't want to blog about The Beatles right now. I can do that another time.

Work has been ass busting busy lately. It's exhausting. I literally look at the clock and am surprised that it's 11am, because I feel like I just sat down. The same thing happens at 2:30. Then again at 4:03pm and I supposed to be leaving. I'm grateful to have a job. But I feel inadequate lately. We're so busy that it's too much for me. I am trying and I feel like I'm not doing well. Nobody is complaining or anything- but I am getting slightly behind on stuff and I feel uncomfortable. I was told today that someone new is starting next Monday. She is a friend of the president of the company. And I'm just wondering what exactly it is that she will be. I know that she will be Customer Service like me. I am curious as to whether she is going to be my 'manager'. Is she secretly going to be replacing me because she is a turbo CS agent and can do everything I do, better, faster and more efficiently? I am so paranoid when it comes to my job. I always feel like I'm 3 seconds away from getting my head chopped off. Ive never really gotten too comfortable at any job. I feel like I'm a pretty well grounded person. But when it comes to work, I find that my ears twitch when I see a closed door or notice hushed tones. Then all my sanity is out the window and I am a vulnerable mess.

It was rough after work today. I can't post it in a blog as to why or what- but it was the same old song. And the radio's getting old. It feels good to just ramble. I set this account up tonight and I really wanted the url 'a day in the life @ b l o g g e r . com' but it wasn't available. I sort of knew that it wouldnt be, because it's just an awesome url. But I tried nonetheless to mainly disappoint myself. I knew I would, and sometimes when your having a bad day as I have been- it's just easier to set yourself up for more crud because then at least you can say to yourself "Will nothing go right for me today!?' And you can (internally) feel sorry for yourself. But if your anything like me- then when someone asks you how you are you'll just say that your great like you really are. Because I don't like whiners. So I just whine to myself. And to my blog, and get over it already.

On the positive- I feel like I have been talking to Carly so much more lately. And sharing things with her. Like Beatles facts, random thoughts and time. Bobby and I took her to The Baltimore Book Fair last Saturday and she stayed home Saturday night and that was so great. I made a big fort in the living room for her on Sunday afternoon and just let her make a mess. I didn't hound her to clean up. I just let her play. All day. I can't tell you how it makes me feel inside. I want alot of things. I want to be a driver. I want to be thinner. I want to be confidant. I want to be unforgettable. I want to be appreciated. I want to be Bobby's girl. I want my mom to hear me. I want a certain someone to see me as something. I want to not cry ever, because I dont like the way it feels. I want a good chicken and vegetable potsticker.

But mostly, I want to have a great relationship with my daughter. And I feel like its getting better all the time- pun intended.

I was talking to April and Amber last month and I told them that I didn't want to have a relationship with Carly like my mom and I have. And I worry because Carly sees the dynamic I have with my mother because we live together. And April said that we probably will, because that's the way it is with mother's and daughters. And that statement has been echoing in my mind at least one a day since she said it. It visits me at night when I'm laying in bed staring at the wall wishing I was asleep. My mother and I love each other. And there is no doubt that she loves me with everything she's got. She'd do anything for me, and I feel exactly the same about her. But we're so different. I wish that we got along better. We both have strong opinions I guess. I dont know. All I do know is that my heart would break if Carly and I couldnt communicate well. It kills me inside that I have such a hard time with my own mom.

So, keeping with my usual format, here's my high points of the day.

- Carly
- Bobby's phone call.
- Carly sitting on my bed listening to Beatles songs with me. And just talking to me.
- Reading to Carly.
- Getting the house to myself, even though it was only for 15 minutes.
- My grandmother's meatloaf.
- John Lennon songs.
- Making the decision to join the gym.
- Survivor- I'm not a television girl, but that's my show.
- 'Let It Be' don't overlook that song. Its easy to do so because it's a radio tune and you've been hearing it your whole life. So you probably sing along and pay no mind to what your singing. But I suggest you look it up immediately after reading this and REALLY listen to it. (I just switched off John and rolled over to The Beatles. It's ok, I can do that)

Here's a video of where I'm at. I probably wont be posting tomorrow because I won't be home.
Catch you again on Sunday.



I don't know what we're doing tomorrow night, but Bobby and I are going to a Bull-less Bullroast on Saturday night. so, that should be good. April and Ray and Amber and Muskee :) Im excited for friend time. And B time- but that goes without saying.

...Im just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go...