...Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me, when I tell them that Im doing fine watching shadows on the wall. Dont you miss the big time boy? Your no longer on the ball...
So, I don't even sign into myspace daily anymore, so, I figured that I would give it a go on here and blog here. I liked blogging on myspace, and I don't like to start over.
I don't like change too much. It scares me. Make me uncomfortable and it makes me quiet. It makes me think too much.
I am just going to pick up where I left off when I posted on myspace. Which was daily at one time. I am going to assume that my audience is the same. And I believe that my last post was before Bobby and I went to Alex & Chloe's wedding. I wore a brown dress and felt awkward. Plus the shoes I bought hurt my feet. If feet could cry, mine would have been sobbing that day. If I ever find the man that invented high heels, I'll kill it. The shoe, not the man.
So, yeah - the wedding. It was really nice. I appreciated the invite, not because I love weddings, but because it's always nice to be remembered. I wore a dress because I think Bobby really wanted me too. I was uncomfortable and I got a run in my damn pantyhose on the way there. Because that's just me.
Oh well. Alot have things have been happening. Bobby bought tickets for us to see Bruce Springsteen in November. We are seeing The Gaslight Anthem in October. I can't stop listening to The Beatles and George Harrison's solo schtuff. Well, tonight it's John Lennon Acoustic. Its just the kind of mood I'm in. Ive switched to Elton John and even tried The gaslight Anthem. But I'm kinda bummed and John Lennon's familiar voice is the only thing that feels good at the moment.
I almost hate to say that I love The Beatles. It's like saying you love ice cream. Or dogs. Sunshine. Love. Whatever. Nobody cares. I have a passion for them. They are like going home. Eh. I can get all into it, but I don't want to blog about The Beatles right now. I can do that another time.
Work has been ass busting busy lately. It's exhausting. I literally look at the clock and am surprised that it's 11am, because I feel like I just sat down. The same thing happens at 2:30. Then again at 4:03pm and I supposed to be leaving. I'm grateful to have a job. But I feel inadequate lately. We're so busy that it's too much for me. I am trying and I feel like I'm not doing well. Nobody is complaining or anything- but I am getting slightly behind on stuff and I feel uncomfortable. I was told today that someone new is starting next Monday. She is a friend of the president of the company. And I'm just wondering what exactly it is that she will be. I know that she will be Customer Service like me. I am curious as to whether she is going to be my 'manager'. Is she secretly going to be replacing me because she is a turbo CS agent and can do everything I do, better, faster and more efficiently? I am so paranoid when it comes to my job. I always feel like I'm 3 seconds away from getting my head chopped off. Ive never really gotten too comfortable at any job. I feel like I'm a pretty well grounded person. But when it comes to work, I find that my ears twitch when I see a closed door or notice hushed tones. Then all my sanity is out the window and I am a vulnerable mess.
It was rough after work today. I can't post it in a blog as to why or what- but it was the same old song. And the radio's getting old. It feels good to just ramble. I set this account up tonight and I really wanted the url 'a day in the life @ b l o g g e r . com' but it wasn't available. I sort of knew that it wouldnt be, because it's just an awesome url. But I tried nonetheless to mainly disappoint myself. I knew I would, and sometimes when your having a bad day as I have been- it's just easier to set yourself up for more crud because then at least you can say to yourself "Will nothing go right for me today!?' And you can (internally) feel sorry for yourself. But if your anything like me- then when someone asks you how you are you'll just say that your great like you really are. Because I don't like whiners. So I just whine to myself. And to my blog, and get over it already.
On the positive- I feel like I have been talking to Carly so much more lately. And sharing things with her. Like Beatles facts, random thoughts and time. Bobby and I took her to The Baltimore Book Fair last Saturday and she stayed home Saturday night and that was so great. I made a big fort in the living room for her on Sunday afternoon and just let her make a mess. I didn't hound her to clean up. I just let her play. All day. I can't tell you how it makes me feel inside. I want alot of things. I want to be a driver. I want to be thinner. I want to be confidant. I want to be unforgettable. I want to be appreciated. I want to be Bobby's girl. I want my mom to hear me. I want a certain someone to see me as something. I want to not cry ever, because I dont like the way it feels. I want a good chicken and vegetable potsticker.
But mostly, I want to have a great relationship with my daughter. And I feel like its getting better all the time- pun intended.
I was talking to April and Amber last month and I told them that I didn't want to have a relationship with Carly like my mom and I have. And I worry because Carly sees the dynamic I have with my mother because we live together. And April said that we probably will, because that's the way it is with mother's and daughters. And that statement has been echoing in my mind at least one a day since she said it. It visits me at night when I'm laying in bed staring at the wall wishing I was asleep. My mother and I love each other. And there is no doubt that she loves me with everything she's got. She'd do anything for me, and I feel exactly the same about her. But we're so different. I wish that we got along better. We both have strong opinions I guess. I dont know. All I do know is that my heart would break if Carly and I couldnt communicate well. It kills me inside that I have such a hard time with my own mom.
So, keeping with my usual format, here's my high points of the day.
- Carly
- Bobby's phone call.
- Carly sitting on my bed listening to Beatles songs with me. And just talking to me.
- Reading to Carly.
- Getting the house to myself, even though it was only for 15 minutes.
- My grandmother's meatloaf.
- John Lennon songs.
- Making the decision to join the gym.
- Survivor- I'm not a television girl, but that's my show.
- 'Let It Be' don't overlook that song. Its easy to do so because it's a radio tune and you've been hearing it your whole life. So you probably sing along and pay no mind to what your singing. But I suggest you look it up immediately after reading this and REALLY listen to it. (I just switched off John and rolled over to The Beatles. It's ok, I can do that)
Here's a video of where I'm at. I probably wont be posting tomorrow because I won't be home.
Catch you again on Sunday.
I don't know what we're doing tomorrow night, but Bobby and I are going to a Bull-less Bullroast on Saturday night. so, that should be good. April and Ray and Amber and Muskee :) Im excited for friend time. And B time- but that goes without saying.
...Im just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go...
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