Every time I see your face It reminds me of the places we used to go...

...But all I've got is a photograph, and I realize you're not
coming back anymore..

Ugh. I have such a hard time sitting here at night. I love to blog, I just feel like I don't ever have the time. October is miserable for me anyway. Be happy that I didn't blog all month long as promised. You would've been so damn depressed by the end of the month you'd be sending me on my way.

October USED to be my favorite. The colors are the prettiest this month. The weather is usually crisp and chilly but not too cold. There are sharpened pencils in Carly's pencil case and I just loved it. Then 3 years ago October started the worst time in my life and I can't bring myself to really enjoy it the way that I used to. You all already know what happened. But if your new here - then maybe you don't. My Dad had terminal cancer. His birthday is on October 19th and I don't even think he knew I was there to see him. I hope he did. He wanted a Lemon Meringue Pie. I remember staring at the pie on his little hospital table and knowing he would really love it. If he would've been able to wake up and see us and have that pie. I dont think a pie has ever meant so much to me. And even though I had my mom there and other various family members, I was all alone. Gary left. He had broken up with me when we got home from the hospice. My life was just a wreck. All in October. And then my Dad passed away on October 30th, I was at work. I was waiting for a co-worker to bring me back a small fry from Mcdonald's and a 6-piece Chicken nugget. To this day I never order that combination of food. I always have a burger and fries. Or nuggets and a shake. Like I should even eat McDonald's. But I feel like if I order that exact meal again that something bad could happen to me. That was the year that Carly was Supergirl for Halloween. That was the year really really bad things happened to me and I cried like my heart was physically cracking in half. For all I know- it may have. My doctor said it didnt sound right in there - but I can't be bothered with MRI's and all that stuff. Remembering that day makes this big ball of sick form in my stomach. It turns over and over. I can feel it there and I don't like it. My Dad would have been 59 this year.

I've been in such a bad mood. October, you really broke my heart. You did. I can't breathe well through you. I can't feel too good. I'm either really sad or really mad. You should never come around me anymore. We just can't be friends anymore. And if you have been around me this month, then I apologize. I can't control myself lately.

I will feel so much better in November. On November 15th. Better even- November 20th. When Springsteen comes to town.

I think alot of me in my own place. I see myself walking around in my place. Maybe with a cup of coffee and a book. It's wierd. Its on my mind alot.

Ive been up to alot lately. I joined a gym. I had tonsillitis. I went to a Halloween party and dressed up silly. I made a scarecrow out of Play-Doh. I saw Jeff Dunham. I saw my friends. I met one of Bob's friends. I had to eat soft food. I still haven't had a good potsticker.

- Carly
- Bobby
- Having a job
- Seeing my pals
- Being remembered
- Getting well again
- Thinking too much
- Remembering
- Being a better person now
- Carly's Beatles tee shirts

I can name 25 days worth of high points. Theres so many more than that, but they pass me by and go unnoticed when I don't share regularly.

I won't be posting on Friday, but this video is for that day.




I am promising myself that I will do this more frequently. I feel a little better just having typed it out.

I thought I'd make it the day you went away, but I can't make it til you
come home again to stay.

I can't get used to living here.
While my heart is broke, my tears are cried for you.