Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again...

...seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains. Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free. And I know some day I will find the key. I know somewhere I will find the key. Seems like I've been playing your game way too long. Seems the game I've played has made you strong. When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser. I know I'll walk out of here again. I know someday I'll walk out of here again. Well now I'm trapped...

Ive opened up a blank page on here for the past 2 nights, I just havent been able to get started. I worked from 8 to 7 today and yesterday pretty much. I slept through my alarm clock this morning. Honestly, its been a really bad day. I was excited (initially) about this Christmas. At the very beginning of the Holidays, I always have hope for something really great. Some Christmas magic. Last Christmas was kinda small and piddly for Carly. I tried but I didnt have alot of money. Its really lame and stupid, but this year when I was cleaning the house in preparation for the decorations, I decided that I would rearrange the furniture the way it was positioned the Christmas before last. Because that Christmas was a really good one and I thought maybe (even though I really do know better) that if I switched it around then maybe Christmas would be better this year.

Well, that didnt happen. In fact, life here in the house is getting harder everyday. I dont know what to do. Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. Im so tired, I dont know what the hell to do anymore.

If anyone would like to tell me what the hell Im supposed to do or what exactly it is that Im doing wrong, Id really appreciate it. I need a break. I need to do better. I need alot of things, I need someone to tell me what it is that I need because I clearly have been doing shit wrong for a very long time.

Im just sitting here listening to 'The River' and obsessing over things I cant change. I took a Tylenol PM and plan on going to sleep really soon. I asked someone the other night what does this all mean? I mean shit is hard. Really hard. Why are we all here? Why? I just dont understand. I hear sirens outside and I cant help wondering if its Santa Claus on the fire truck. But its after 9, so its likely just something awful thats happened. Thats what happens in life.

Friday will be my Pop's 83rd birthday. Im looking forward to that actually. And Thursday I have Molly's Christmas Pageant. Im looking forward to that too. Plus Bobby is going to both with me. He was here last night and I just feel better if I can hug him and put my head on his chest. Its strange how good that feels. It feels right. And I like that. Whenever I think about the way it feels when he hugs me, thats the only thing that comes to mind. It just feels right. In a place where so many things feel wrong. I dont care whats happening or where I am, it feels like Im where Im supposed to be, and thats something Im not very used to. Plus he lets me yap on about music and express every little thought and feeling that pops into my head. And I think he enjoys my music babble. We had a good weekend. We had a family get together at his Aunts on Saturday afternoon, then we went shopping. We'd had plans to go see the Pietasters, but Bobby wasnt feeling great and his knee was acting up, so we just took it easy really. And I was so tired. For no apparent reason, I was not able to sleep on Friday night and I was really exhausted on Saturday for most of the day. So I appreciated us being able to call it an early night.

Tonight though. Geez, there are no words. Except why? And no more... please. 'Backstreets' is playing now and it seems perfect...

I have some high points. In the middle of sheer crap- theres always a positive to be seen.

- Carly (of course)
- Bobby (as always)
- Having a job
- Overtime
- Having some hope for something.
- Thinking too much - it drives me crazy, but its part of who I am
- Laying on Bobby
- Having him to depend on. No matter what.
- Knowing I have a great fella, the bestest, better than all the restest!
- Carly telling ME a Beatles fact that I didnt know (this is from a few weeks ago, but still thrills me. Plus, I dont think Ive blogged about it yet)
- Sleeping
- Bruce Springsteen
- Being that much closer to Christmas, and almost through with the crazy madhouse that work becomes this time of year.
('Downbound Train' just went off and 'Incident On 57th Street' just came on. My iTunes is singing tome tonight)
- Going to 5 Guys. Its so bad, but I havent had it in forever so it was really good. And now I wish I had ity again.
- Running into Rita last week and finding out some great news, she's pregnant!
- Finding out that Danny & Sam are having a girl and naming her Abigail. I know they will call her 'Abby' for short, and so will I, but in my mind I will be saying ABBEY. And she will be an awesome chick, I can feel it.
- Driving with Bobby and listening to music. Even though it wasnt for too long, driving is one of my very favorite things. Whether Im talking, not talking. If the music is playing soft and we're looking out the windows. If the music is blasting and we're flying down the road. I love to be in the car with the music and nowhere to go.

Hope we do it again real soon.

So, iTunes is having a beautiful night. All the best Springsteen that makes ya feel like your all alone and that makes you think and that makes you realize that lifes hard but thats life.

I was looking at this woman I work with this afternoon. She is always so happy and pleasant. Shes even nice looking and has a sweet looking family. Shes genuine and you can tell she cares about everyone and shes never said a bad thing about anyone. Plus she is never snappy with anyone at work and she even smiles on bad days. So, getting back, I was watching her this afternoon. I knew she was having a rough day, only because she said 'Man, this has been a rough day.' but she was still smiling and friendly. She sat at her desk and answered the phone in her same pleasant tone and she always asks for my help and is so nice to me.

So, this afternoon, as I sat at my desk and worked, I thought what I wouldnt give to be so happy-go-lucky. Wow, if I could be like that. And the reason I wish I was is because seeing her and knowing her the bit that I do, makes me realize that it can be REAL to be happy-go-lucky. She isnt phony or annoying even. I like her. I feel ashamed when shes too nice to me because I almost feel like a jerk most of the time.

Not that any of this matters. I guess Ive just had a rough day and such. So Im analyzing things. And I have all my Springsteen songs shuffled and Jerry says Springsteen is always depressing. Which I dont think, but ever since he said that it remains in the back of my mind.

So, please, if things can get better or easier I hope that it can all start tomorrow.

'Factory' is on now.

I guess I should go now. Its getting late and I hope to go to bed by 10. And I still gotta call Bobby and say good nite.



One more...





And one for the evening, an just how it feels. Or should I say, 'but that's not the way it feels'..



I'm in love with music. Its the best thing.

Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long. Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm. But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me. Someday I'll walk out of here again. Someday I'll walk out of here again...

Trapped...