Once there was a way to get back homeward...

...Once there was a way to get back home. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby...

Where to start... I have so much to say! I can only start with what's fresh in my mind. The past weekend. Started good, great middle, good ending- in spite of me being me.. Pah.

Bobby had off all weekend. So on Friday night we just went back to his house and hung out, Saturday morning we went to the gym and had lunch, out to dinner at DiPasquale's (more about this later...) and then to Apeys. I cant mention the weekend and everything it entailed without mentioning that I received alot of nice gifts. No special occasion... well, Saturday was the day I showed up on dis earff, so I guess thats what the occasion was. I guess. So.. yeah nice gifts. Listing them all would make me feel like I were being 'showy'. Sunday needs it's own paragraph.

Okay- I'll name one gift. Bobby got me the new Clarence Clemmons Biography. Imma excited :)

Ok- so- DiPasquale's. Bobby and I saw it featured on 'Diners, Drive-In's & Dives' last year and we've always wanted to try it. We went there once but they close at like 6pm - so we've never made it there because of our schedules. BUT - Bobby was off this weekend, so it worked out well. Homemade arancini, lasagna. Good schtuff. Although one piece of that lasagne could feed 2 or 3 people. I couldnt finish it all.

Sunday we woke up (semi) early and listened to The Beatles Brunch* and then went to the Farmers Market. Had REALLY good foodssss. Then we went to Boordy's Vineyard and I got shitty on wine. Drunk on a Sunday and then I had to go into work and process orders. I don't know. I had a great time. April, Ray, Rita & Chris met us there after a while.

Oh wait- I have to rewind a second. At work on Thursday everyone gave me a nice card and gift card for Target (mah favorite store!)

Okay- I'll just say it. I had a nice birthday. There. I hid it off of Facebook because I hate fusses, but people will always fuss over you if they care. Apey made me a cake and so did my mom. I gripe all the time about things not going my way and how people dont really care. But Im a stupid ass. People care, and I have the best friends and family. I know it. I love them all.

Sooo, I wanted to blog last week and I never got to it. Ive been in reasonably good spirits lately. Not because of the past weekend, although that was a huge boost, but even before that. I sat down to blog but I couldnt get the needed privacy so I gave up. I'm happy. Ive been going to the gym. Im working on believing that I can achieve things. I have such a defeatist 'why bother?' attitude. Dammit, I make myself sick sometimes. Im the kind of person that would get on my nerves if I were talking to them.

The difference is that I dont share these feelings with anyone. I know its annoying so Im perfectly content to stew all alone internally in my little hell.

But Ive decided Im going to try. Thats hard for me- to put real honest effort into things because I fear failure and keeps me from trying. I hate having to say 'I didnt do it" or worse 'I cant do it'. This will be the year that I DO do it. I'm tired of being afraid. Sometimes failure isnt an option, and I cant let it be. This is stupid. This is the year that I will lose weight and stop being a little fatty and I will get my fracking license already. I cant let another birthday go by without it. It was fine for years and now all of sudden its just not. I'm going to be a confident, independent woman finally. No more shiz.

Mmm, so LAST (not this past, but the previous Sunday) there was no Beatles Brunch. It's stupid, but it really got to me. All I could think is that I wouldnt have that anymore. It was a thing I used to have with my Dad. He isnt here anymore, but we visit together every Sunday when I listen to The Beatles Brunch. Thats also how Bobby gets to know my Dad. One song at a time.

This is getting winded. If I blogged everyday like I wanted, maybe I could avoid such long blogs.

Moving forward!

- Carly (Of course!)
- Bobby
- "And it happened in a Wendy's" "But it was the perfect time, anyway" "I know."
- Boordy's
- Being remembered
- My Mom
- My friends :)
- Turkey burgerrrr and Thai Spring Rolls
- Lasagna
- My iPod
- The Beatles
- My conversation with Bobby about my "relationship" with music
- Going to the gym with Bobby (twice!)
- Laughing
- Being in the car with Bobby. Singing and talking.
- Holding his hand.
- Sitting on a blanket with Bobby and his wine fuzzies
- Beatles Brunch coming back
- Getting a text from Jess
- Listening to the pouring rain.. RIGHT NOW!

Theres more, I know theres morrrrreeee... It will come to me. I wont promise you I will blog everyday (like I want to) but I will try.

I have been going to the gym pretty regularly, and that makes me feel proud of myself. So far this week (well I guess technically last week) Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday, today.. and hopefully again maybe Saturday. We'll see. Im gonna try! Harder this time. For real this time!

My advice to you all - for EVERYDAY!



And I suppose that's all for now.

One more thing... THE BOSS, First Mariner Arena tomorrow. I'm so psyched!

...Golden slumbers fill your eyes, smiles awake you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby. Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home, sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby....

Holy Moses, I have been removed...

...I have seen the spectre he has been here too. Distant cousin from down the line, brand of people who ain't my kind. Holy Moses, I have been removed...

Blah. I skimmed past a few things in yesterday's blog. I always forget something.

So, today was feh. Im tired- it was boring and then shitty and now I'm finished with the day. On the plus, Bobby came over. I was feeling too bitchy to enjoy it. It is what it is. I have way too much crap on my mind anymore. I need to change some things. I feel trapped. I worry that things will never change.

Then it gets over whelming, then I just shut down and refuse to think about anything. At least until bed time when I'm stuck thinking about it.

I need to work on not getting so damn irritated. I need some time to myself alone sometimes. I really wish that people didnt just stop in my room and hover near me just because I have no bedroom door. It bothers me. If I am laying in bed reading, or typing on the computer- don't I deserve to be left alone? I'm never alone. And Im not talking about Carly either- because she's my baby. If she stops to talk to me or needs me or is in my room, that doesnt bother me.

Wah, wah, wah... I'll shuddup. I have to go to my grandparents tomorrow to help my brother trim hedges and bag up the branches. Because apparently my assistance is needed in everything. I am so exhausted of everything it's unbelievable. I want to break free. Dammit.

I am hoping that I can get to the gym tomorrow.

High Points!
- Carly
- Bobby
- Bobby's visit
- Getting things done at work
- Dinner. I enjoyed it
- Elvis Costello
- OH! Alex coming into work on Thursday of last week :)
- Seeing Fresh last week and today as well

So, I think Ive mentioned that I recently noticed how sensitive I actually am. Thats a lie- Ive always been real sensitive and Ive been aware of it for a very long time. Anyway- I just try not to let it get to me. But it's all been really getting to me alot lately. Somebody at work told me today that I am completely clueless. When I said that I wasnt- her reply was a snort and an 'yeah right' sounding "Please!".

You all know me. I am alot of things. Clueless or an airhead I never thought. It really hurt my feelings.

I hate letting shit get to me.

Song for the evening-



And I'm done for the day.

...Holy Moses, I have been deceived. Now the wind has changed direction and I'll have to leave. Won't you please excuse my frankness but it's not my cup of tea. Holy Moses, I have been deceived...

The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago...

...Turned around backwards so the windshield shows. Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse. Still, it's so much clearer....

I didnt blog at all last week. I dont think that anyone noticed. I opened this page almost 30 minutes ago and Ive just been listening to 'The Heart of Saturday Night' instead of typing and thinking about things that may or may not matter.

Last week was OK. On the plus- Amber started back for the Holidays. So we've been chatty. Bobby came over on Monday and on Thursday. I was so exhausted last week it was ridiculous. I went to bed early every night except for Thursday. I wanted to blame it on the Daylight Savings Time thing, but I dont know if thats what it was. I felt ok otherwise, but who knows? Im exhausted today- but thats because I got like 4 hours of sleep last night and Ive been awake since 7:30 this morning. Its been a crumby kind of day too. Bobby and I always listen to the 'Beatles Brunch' radio show on Sunday mornings when he drives me home. I used to listen to it with my Dad alot growing up. But the show wasn't on today. It really upset me. Then as soon as I get in the house I have to hear bitching and complaining about my choices and money, and guilt trips about upcoming plans that I've made for myself. Its hard to enjoy life sometimes. So I came home, attempted to watch a movie and that didnt work. Cleaned in the kitchen for a few hours organizing a cupboard for my mom. Yay today.

October is over- but it still lingers a bit. Im feeling alot better than I was. Ive been thinking alot more about myself lately- and Ive realized that I suck at confidence and believing in myself. Ive always believed I was a positive thinker- but thats just not true. At least not anymore. Ive thought alot about things Ive done the past year or so, and while alot of things have been great - I havent finished or evern bothered to try many things that have been on my list of things to better my life because I believe theres no real point in trying- because I probably can't do ____ insert whatever is on my mind at the moment.

It scares me because I see Carly getting that way her Math and I wonder does she see me not trying and think that same way about herself? I'll have to overthink this subject and analyze it as I lay in bed tonight.

Ive had a good weekend. Friday night Bobby and I didnt really do anything. It was my brothers birthday so we hung out at home and Bobby bought him pizza. Cake. Dinner. Presents. It was nice. Bobbys brother and his girlfriend brought their snapping turtle 'Aquapig' home to stay on Friday. She's cute. I touched her foot and thought she was very cute.

Yargh. Let me back up a little. Thursday was actually my favorite day of the week (not weekend) because Bobby came over and we got to be all snuggly and we watched Survivor together. I seriously love it when he comes and watches TV with me. I like laying all over him. And we had Play-Doh time with Carly later than normal since she was off on Friday. I made her a Turkey- she seems to always pick with the seasons.

Going back a little further- I hated Monday. For the obvious, normal, to be expected Monday reasons- but also because I burned my damn right ring finger pretty bad. Its still sore now almost a week later. And it looks gross.

Guess I'd better accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative...
- Carly
- Bobby
- Jerry's birthday
- Jerry's birthday cake...
- Amber starting back
- Poker night
- Panera Bread
- Panera Bread's new Macaroni & Cheese.
- Not really caring
- Smiling
- Singing in the car with Bobby
- Deciding to decide that I am way too self deprecating after all, and further deciding that I had better think more about this whole thing in bed tonight.

Well, I would like to try and blog a few times this week. It makes me feel better. Last week I was just DOA so I couldnt. I'm hoping for a better week for blogs this week. And also hoping that I will stop dwelling on Jessica and all that crap. Because it crosses my mind at least once (really several) time a day how we never talk anymore. And I was always so proud that we had been able to stay great friends for so long. Now- when I do happen to get her on IM or something half the time she has nothing to say to me and signs off without saying bye.

But I am going to tell you (as well as myself) that I really dont care about all that.

As usual...


...I forgot my shirt at the water's edge. The moon is low tonight. Night swimming deserves a quiet night. I'm not sure all these people understand. It's not like years ago, the fear of getting caught, of recklessness and water...

All my little plans and schemes, lost like some forgotten dreams...

...Just like little girls and boys, playing with their little toys. Seems like all we really were doing was waitin' for love. Lonely to be alone, no need to be alone. It's real love, it's real, Yes it's real love, it's real....

Ugh Thursday. Has this been the longest week of the year? Plus there was yesterday when I spent the day ahead of myself a whole day. That is the most depressing thing ever. I was thinking that my weekend was gonna start today and shit. Hah. Damn - when I finally realized what day of the week it was I was crushed for a minute.

Today has been pretty quiet. Another productive day at work. That always puts me in a good mood. I realized something today though. I'm way more sensitive then Ive ever let on or actually realized. Someone at work said something to me today that hurt my feelings. And then I was mad at myself for feeling hurt. Im usually pretty "whatever." about things like that.

And she probably said it in jest. At least thats what Ive been telling myself. Of course, many a true word is spoken in jest.

We've all heard that- we all know its true. Hell, we all do it from time to time. Its a cop out. So if your challenged or questioned on what you've just said - you can back out of it by simply saying "I was kidding!" No ya weren't.

And Im obsessing. And Im done obsessing.

High points:
- Carly!!
- Bobby! He came to visit :)
-Survivor. Haha - yeah I said it and I mean it.
- Getting things done.
- Talking to Carly. REALLY talking to her.
- Carly singing in the shower.
- Reading a book to Carly.
- Smiling like I mean it
- The kindness of others.
- Chili with Fritos, even though it was too spicy.
- Being snuggly with Bobby
- Carly's explaination of LOVE

Carly and I had a 'disagreement' tonight. That resulted in me yelling at her. I felt crappy, so I went in to Carlys room past her bedtime and she was still awake- just laying there. This happens more than it should. She's like me in an unfortunate way, she lays in bed at night and thinks. It doesnt matter how tired she is, she thinks too much to rest. It sucks. I can never turn my mind off.

So, I sat on her bed tonight and I was talking to her about the trouble she's been having in Math. She told me Math bores her and she doesnt get it. And she said she thinks about other stuff in Math class. She's passing her other classes. She has a 'D' in Math. Well, she could be doing better in Social Studies too, but Math is bad. She told me that she thinks of other things in Math. Like Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Christmas. And she said whether or not her Dad is going to visit is ALWAYS in the corner of her mind.

We talked a few minutes and she cried about how she's missed him since he moved to North Carolina. And since then Ive been sitting here crying because she was. I can hold in tears for alot of stuff. For myself, sappy movies, bad injuries... but with Carly my heart breaks with her. I just want her to be okay and I want this school year to get better and be a good one. I feel like I'm failing here if she isnt doing well. So, I guess we're all going to have to try harder.

For my number ones!






...From this moment on I know, exactly where my life will go. Seems that all I really was doing was waitin' for love. No need to be afraid, no need to be afraid. It's real love, it's real, yes it's real love, it's real. Thought I'd been in love before, but in my heart I wanted more. Seems like all I really was doing was waitin' for you...

Round here, we always stand up straight. Round here, something radiates...

...Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand, she said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis. She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land just like she's
walking on a wire in the circus...

The days are getting better. I was a little out of it at work and my boss caught me dazing off. She asked me to do something and came back a few minutes later to see if I had done and I was just sort of staring at Facebook when she came back. I felt schmuck-y. Then I felt guilty and like I was a bad employee. I hate that shit. Ive had a series of sad freaking songs playing in my mind all day. It seems like Im always on the verge of tears but I never actually cry or anything. I feel my eyes filling up, and the tears are right there. One blink and they will come falling. But somehow I stop it. Which is good because I seriously hate crying.

Other than that- I didnt get to the gym today. April couldnt go because she hurt her back. I just feel like I can't get started.

Or maybe I just dont want to get started because I'm afraid of failing.

Bobby had a Halloween thingy to go to tonight and I couldnt go because I dont like to go out when the baby is home. Between getting her fed, bathed, homework done, bedtime and all that jazz, I'm lucky to have time to be sitting here writing this dribble. However, I do miss Bobby when he's is out. I feel like we havent talked all week even though I know we have. I dont know. This week is dragging. I spent the whole day believing it was Thursday and telling customers that called in that if they wanted their order for the weekend that I would have to overnight it on Friday for delivery on Saturday morning. Which is like super expensive. I had to call back 2 people after I relized what day of the week it was. I just can't get my head on straight this week.

OH, and a friend of mine brought her son to work today and I held him. Cutest smile ever. There is something about being around a baby, and a baby smell that just makes me happy. And holding him just makes it even more awesome. Plus he's a doll face. It definitely put me in a good mood today.

High points:
- Carly
- Bobby
- Jenn and Dan coming out a few weeks ago. (Haven't seen her in a few years!)
- Laying in bed listening to my iPod.
- The Crumbiest Playlist ever
- Being a 'thinker' - even though it drives me nuts
- Carly 'remembering' Sam. The Play-Doh Scarecrow that she asked me to make the other night when Bobby was here. (See pic, we will never forget you, Sam...)
- Talking to my grandparents, and my Pop telling me that he loves me too instead of 'same here' which is what he usually says.
- Fried potatoes. But I hate food.
- Making dinner for Carly & Abby
- Feeling somewhat inspired.
- Seeing and then holding Alex.


Theres more. Theres always more. I need to get back into the swing of writing a blog. I miss writing on myspace, man. I hardly log in there but I have so many blogs there. I wish I could export them here. Plus I think I had more of a following there.

:::sigh:::

I have a couple songs for you tonight. I enjoy them, maybe you will too.



I wanted the 'Dire Straits' version of this song, but I couldnt find a good version of it on youtube. I did stumble upon this though, and I must say that I am pleasantly surprised.



And I guess that's a wrap. There will be a tomorrow night. And I may just write again. I feel better when I do.

In the meantime, 2 more days and it will be 3 years. I'm sure that I am just dreading the days leading up to this more than I am dreading the actual day. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that.

...She parks her car outside of my house and takes her clothes off. Says she's close to understanding Jesus. She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood, she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.
Round here we're carving out our names. Round here we all look the same. Round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs. Round here she's slipping through my hands...


-

Until you've seen this trash can dream come true...

...You stand at the edge while people run you through. And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. I thank the Lord there's people out there like you...

Two nights in a row. Ive had a bad night. The days can be really shitty anytime, but today was especially bad. Plus, I just have been having an October all month long.

Work was a little quieter today. I went in half an hour earlier to get some things done. I actually felt productive by the end of the work day. I didnt feel like a failure. I hate that about work. Sometimes I feel like Im getting nowhere.

Since I had tonsillitis last week I didnt go to the gym. Granted, I couldnt eat so I didnt eat much, but I still feel awful. I need to get back to the gym. I think I'd feel better. Ive been sitting around watching TV alot lately. Which sucks. I never used to do that. But I got sucked into 'The Biggest Loser' this year. Ive never watched it before. I thought 'Hey, I joined a gym, this will inspire me' but instead it makes me feel hopeless. I hate having myself beaten before I really get started. But I know me.

Take last year for example. The whole 'Driver's License' thing. I hate being afraid. And I know my biggest issue is that I dont really believe in myself.

Ah well. I obsess way too much.

Did I mention I had a really bad night? I really did. I need to get my own place again. I really wish that things were different at least. I'm way too old to hope that one day I'm going to go to bed one night and wake the next day and everything prior to that will have been just a bad nightmare.

But every damn night before I go to bed I have that little thought. Tonight will be tonight. Everything will be different tomorrow. I will wake up in my own house. I will wake up with enough money to live comfortably, because more than what I need will change me. I will be thinner. I will be happier. I will still have a best friend named Jessica, and she won't have forgotten me. I will have a really good relationship with my mom and she won't be disappointed in me everyday. She will be happier. My brother will be happier. I'll have my license and a car. And be confidant.

But I always wake up to the crappy alarm clock feeling like crap and wishing I were somewhere else.

And skimming over that just now I realize how blah I sound.

There were some high points.
- Carly
- Bobby
- Feeling productive at work.
- Being smiled at.
- Getting a copy of the homework that Carly forgot...
- Being quiet.
- Hot showers.
- Elton John
- Realizing that this is pay week.
- Bobby forcing me to play Beatles' Rock Band, and me really enjoying it.
- The Baltimore Book Fair with Carly, Bobby & Michelle.

Hmm... some of this stuff is from weeks past. I will throw in some random stuff I remember here and there in my upcoming posts.

I guess that's all for now. Oh, last week I saw The Gaslight Anthem. They were really great. I had wanted to see them for so long and Bobby got the tickets a while back. I wish I could have been closer, but I decided to keep a distance because I was afraid being in a sweaty crowd might make me sick again.

I'm pretty tired.


However, this video made me perk up a little. He's a sexy mofo. Plus it's a Beatles tune. I can't name all the awesomeness. The sexy man. The sexy voice. The fact that The Gaslight Anthem is an awesome band on it's own. From 2:21 to roughly 2:54 was mmmm...azing. That made my night. I think. Plus he looks like he's enjoying the song. And who wouldnt be, really?

Maybe life will all be different ONE day. I think that maybe this will be year for better things.

...While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, sons of bankers, sons of lawyers, turn around and say good morning to the night. For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why. They know not if it's dark outside or light...

Every time I see your face It reminds me of the places we used to go...

...But all I've got is a photograph, and I realize you're not
coming back anymore..

Ugh. I have such a hard time sitting here at night. I love to blog, I just feel like I don't ever have the time. October is miserable for me anyway. Be happy that I didn't blog all month long as promised. You would've been so damn depressed by the end of the month you'd be sending me on my way.

October USED to be my favorite. The colors are the prettiest this month. The weather is usually crisp and chilly but not too cold. There are sharpened pencils in Carly's pencil case and I just loved it. Then 3 years ago October started the worst time in my life and I can't bring myself to really enjoy it the way that I used to. You all already know what happened. But if your new here - then maybe you don't. My Dad had terminal cancer. His birthday is on October 19th and I don't even think he knew I was there to see him. I hope he did. He wanted a Lemon Meringue Pie. I remember staring at the pie on his little hospital table and knowing he would really love it. If he would've been able to wake up and see us and have that pie. I dont think a pie has ever meant so much to me. And even though I had my mom there and other various family members, I was all alone. Gary left. He had broken up with me when we got home from the hospice. My life was just a wreck. All in October. And then my Dad passed away on October 30th, I was at work. I was waiting for a co-worker to bring me back a small fry from Mcdonald's and a 6-piece Chicken nugget. To this day I never order that combination of food. I always have a burger and fries. Or nuggets and a shake. Like I should even eat McDonald's. But I feel like if I order that exact meal again that something bad could happen to me. That was the year that Carly was Supergirl for Halloween. That was the year really really bad things happened to me and I cried like my heart was physically cracking in half. For all I know- it may have. My doctor said it didnt sound right in there - but I can't be bothered with MRI's and all that stuff. Remembering that day makes this big ball of sick form in my stomach. It turns over and over. I can feel it there and I don't like it. My Dad would have been 59 this year.

I've been in such a bad mood. October, you really broke my heart. You did. I can't breathe well through you. I can't feel too good. I'm either really sad or really mad. You should never come around me anymore. We just can't be friends anymore. And if you have been around me this month, then I apologize. I can't control myself lately.

I will feel so much better in November. On November 15th. Better even- November 20th. When Springsteen comes to town.

I think alot of me in my own place. I see myself walking around in my place. Maybe with a cup of coffee and a book. It's wierd. Its on my mind alot.

Ive been up to alot lately. I joined a gym. I had tonsillitis. I went to a Halloween party and dressed up silly. I made a scarecrow out of Play-Doh. I saw Jeff Dunham. I saw my friends. I met one of Bob's friends. I had to eat soft food. I still haven't had a good potsticker.

- Carly
- Bobby
- Having a job
- Seeing my pals
- Being remembered
- Getting well again
- Thinking too much
- Remembering
- Being a better person now
- Carly's Beatles tee shirts

I can name 25 days worth of high points. Theres so many more than that, but they pass me by and go unnoticed when I don't share regularly.

I won't be posting on Friday, but this video is for that day.




I am promising myself that I will do this more frequently. I feel a little better just having typed it out.

I thought I'd make it the day you went away, but I can't make it til you
come home again to stay.

I can't get used to living here.
While my heart is broke, my tears are cried for you.