I was born in a town where the rivers flow free on a January night when the cold winds freeze...

I got an Irish name and an injury. Blessing and a curse cast down on me. Ain't nobody got the blues like me... Ain't nobody got the blues like me...

What a day... damn. I made a huge mistake at work. HUGE mistake. Ive been crying all day and worried. I shipped a large order twice over accidentally, and unfortunately theres nothing that we can do about it. The duplicates are all arriving. When I realized the mistake, my stomach literally turned.

What makes it even worse is that my boss was so nice and understanding. It wouldve been easier if she had just called me stupid and been angry at me. I felt so stupid. I still do. Every few minutes when it crossed my mind I started crying again.

I hate to cry, I especially hate crying at work. And with everything thats been going on with my personal life, since I never let myself cry, when I get started its hard to stop.

I know things will get better. I know that 2011 will be a good year. I have to have faith in that otherwise theres no pint in moving forward. This was such a weird hard year. Plus, in January Bobby and I are going to see Brian Fallon. I can't believe it. I mean - we did go see The Gaslight Anthem. But I think that this time will be different. Its solo, different set. Maybe some Tom Petty and Springsteen covers. I dont know. I can't freakin stand it whenever I think about it. Im so excited. Brian Fallon isnt aware of it, be he and I have this thing. We're pretty close. He sings to me and I understand just how he feels. We know each other very well.

And we've never even said hello.

Thats whats so great about music I guess. The connection. If you dont feel it, or you havent found your heart songs, I feel bad for you. Youve been cheated.

Im listening to 'Boomboxes & Dictionaries' now...

Now it's 'We Came To Dance' :::swoon:::

Its 10pm. I took a break to get Carly in the shower and to get her ready for de bedz. Its been a quiet uneventful night. I like it like that. I wanted to read before bed, but Im so dang tired I might not get to. I have to work this Saturday, so that will be the 7th day in a row that I've worked. Im hoping that I dont have to work on Sunday. But then again, the money is nice to have.

Im thinking I wanna wrap this thing up. My eyes are droopy and feel like they need a break. I gotta get in my crappy bed (that I have to add air to every night and morning... slow leak I guess) and hopefully fall right asleep.

I got bleach on my red cardigan, so no more red cardigan basically.

Randon, I want a mood ring, but I only wear sterling silver, and the only sterling silver mood ring I found was over $100 and too small. Just my lucks!

Okay, this must end. Hah.

- Carly
- Bobby
- Hearing 'I'm sorry' even though it was sort of too little and to late. Unfortinately that's all we get because thats all there is.
- Carly's little face smiling at me
- My boss being really understanding when she didnt have to be
- Crying. I really hate to cry, but I never get it out, so I guess its good to do so. I guess.
- Knowing that I'm going to get to see Bobby tomorrow
- Molly's pageant and Pop's birthday
- You know..
- Oh gosh, why I was thinking of this today I DO NOT KNOW, but I do know there is only ONE person who will know what Im talkin about. - Poppy seeds. (you had to be there, okay, wait, I'm really glad that you werent there actually)
- Talking about the future with Bobby. This was actually a few weeks ago, but I havent mentioned it yet.
- Having my bad-ass Manda matrix scenes in my mind. Im pretty f'n awesome in my little mind.

- This video, which I came upon last night and told Bobby I was going include in my next blog...



COME ON! SING IT LIKE YA MEAN IT!

I told B it makes me wanna see it again but somebody borrowed it and has yet to return it ::cough!:: Will :::cough!::: Just sayin ;)

But seriously, is there anyone out there that doesnt love that movie? Is there anyone who didnt get goosebumps the first time they saw this scene? Im a ridiculous woman I know. Movies romaticize everything, and I know life isnt like that, but sometimes I wish I had THAT kind of life. With magic moments like you see in the movies.

Laying in bed last night, as I was thinking of everything thats been happening lately and the way Ive felt so miserable and insistant that there was no point and I was destined to miserable, I remembered something. I tuck Carly in every night. Every night I kiss her left cheek, then her right, then we rub noses four times and I kiss the top of her head. Everytime I do that, I feel really good. Like really happy. She's my world. And I knew I was genuinely happy just a few hours prior when I tucked her. And as I once said, a very long time ago in my (greatly missed, by ME) myspace blog, that I acknowledge that the key to happiness is realizing that things arent always great, and the most we can hope for is a few perfect moments from each day when things couldnt get much better. And I have that. Thats why I started the blog. Thats why I include a highlight list. This thing is supposed to keep me on track and help me to remember whats good. I need to get back to it. I allow life to tear me down too much.

So, I am going to try and be positive and try to blog everyday like I used. And I will remember that happiness is just a serie of moments when life can't get any better.

Like right now. I has the Brian Fallon :)

And I also have two more videos for you...



And this...



I'm not gonna lie to you, when I saw these links I got pretty damn excited. Its like Bobby's world and mine crashing together in epic awesomeness...

AND, one last one. If your here, and your reading my blog, please remember that the video is part of it and quite necessary to my mood, feeling, and personality.

In other words, please watch dem. Thanks! At least watch this one if you watch no other. Ive used it in my myspace blog (that I miss, Im gonna say it again..) but it's beautiful, and the story in the beginning always makes me tear up.



And I think thats gonna be a wrap.

Was a blood red sky on the morning tide. Was a cold wind blowing when I left that night. And the morning bells rang, alright, alright. Shoulda stayed home with you that night. Ain't nobody played the fool like I. Ain't nobody played the fool like I.. Things got bad and things got worse, half like blessing, half like curse. It's these blessings so hard to see sometimes. Gotta little clearer about dusk last night, ain't nobody got a blessing like mine. Ain't nobody got a blessing like mine. It's a red sky night and I'm doing alright. It's a red sky night and I'm doing just fine.

Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again...

...seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains. Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free. And I know some day I will find the key. I know somewhere I will find the key. Seems like I've been playing your game way too long. Seems the game I've played has made you strong. When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser. I know I'll walk out of here again. I know someday I'll walk out of here again. Well now I'm trapped...

Ive opened up a blank page on here for the past 2 nights, I just havent been able to get started. I worked from 8 to 7 today and yesterday pretty much. I slept through my alarm clock this morning. Honestly, its been a really bad day. I was excited (initially) about this Christmas. At the very beginning of the Holidays, I always have hope for something really great. Some Christmas magic. Last Christmas was kinda small and piddly for Carly. I tried but I didnt have alot of money. Its really lame and stupid, but this year when I was cleaning the house in preparation for the decorations, I decided that I would rearrange the furniture the way it was positioned the Christmas before last. Because that Christmas was a really good one and I thought maybe (even though I really do know better) that if I switched it around then maybe Christmas would be better this year.

Well, that didnt happen. In fact, life here in the house is getting harder everyday. I dont know what to do. Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. Im so tired, I dont know what the hell to do anymore.

If anyone would like to tell me what the hell Im supposed to do or what exactly it is that Im doing wrong, Id really appreciate it. I need a break. I need to do better. I need alot of things, I need someone to tell me what it is that I need because I clearly have been doing shit wrong for a very long time.

Im just sitting here listening to 'The River' and obsessing over things I cant change. I took a Tylenol PM and plan on going to sleep really soon. I asked someone the other night what does this all mean? I mean shit is hard. Really hard. Why are we all here? Why? I just dont understand. I hear sirens outside and I cant help wondering if its Santa Claus on the fire truck. But its after 9, so its likely just something awful thats happened. Thats what happens in life.

Friday will be my Pop's 83rd birthday. Im looking forward to that actually. And Thursday I have Molly's Christmas Pageant. Im looking forward to that too. Plus Bobby is going to both with me. He was here last night and I just feel better if I can hug him and put my head on his chest. Its strange how good that feels. It feels right. And I like that. Whenever I think about the way it feels when he hugs me, thats the only thing that comes to mind. It just feels right. In a place where so many things feel wrong. I dont care whats happening or where I am, it feels like Im where Im supposed to be, and thats something Im not very used to. Plus he lets me yap on about music and express every little thought and feeling that pops into my head. And I think he enjoys my music babble. We had a good weekend. We had a family get together at his Aunts on Saturday afternoon, then we went shopping. We'd had plans to go see the Pietasters, but Bobby wasnt feeling great and his knee was acting up, so we just took it easy really. And I was so tired. For no apparent reason, I was not able to sleep on Friday night and I was really exhausted on Saturday for most of the day. So I appreciated us being able to call it an early night.

Tonight though. Geez, there are no words. Except why? And no more... please. 'Backstreets' is playing now and it seems perfect...

I have some high points. In the middle of sheer crap- theres always a positive to be seen.

- Carly (of course)
- Bobby (as always)
- Having a job
- Overtime
- Having some hope for something.
- Thinking too much - it drives me crazy, but its part of who I am
- Laying on Bobby
- Having him to depend on. No matter what.
- Knowing I have a great fella, the bestest, better than all the restest!
- Carly telling ME a Beatles fact that I didnt know (this is from a few weeks ago, but still thrills me. Plus, I dont think Ive blogged about it yet)
- Sleeping
- Bruce Springsteen
- Being that much closer to Christmas, and almost through with the crazy madhouse that work becomes this time of year.
('Downbound Train' just went off and 'Incident On 57th Street' just came on. My iTunes is singing tome tonight)
- Going to 5 Guys. Its so bad, but I havent had it in forever so it was really good. And now I wish I had ity again.
- Running into Rita last week and finding out some great news, she's pregnant!
- Finding out that Danny & Sam are having a girl and naming her Abigail. I know they will call her 'Abby' for short, and so will I, but in my mind I will be saying ABBEY. And she will be an awesome chick, I can feel it.
- Driving with Bobby and listening to music. Even though it wasnt for too long, driving is one of my very favorite things. Whether Im talking, not talking. If the music is playing soft and we're looking out the windows. If the music is blasting and we're flying down the road. I love to be in the car with the music and nowhere to go.

Hope we do it again real soon.

So, iTunes is having a beautiful night. All the best Springsteen that makes ya feel like your all alone and that makes you think and that makes you realize that lifes hard but thats life.

I was looking at this woman I work with this afternoon. She is always so happy and pleasant. Shes even nice looking and has a sweet looking family. Shes genuine and you can tell she cares about everyone and shes never said a bad thing about anyone. Plus she is never snappy with anyone at work and she even smiles on bad days. So, getting back, I was watching her this afternoon. I knew she was having a rough day, only because she said 'Man, this has been a rough day.' but she was still smiling and friendly. She sat at her desk and answered the phone in her same pleasant tone and she always asks for my help and is so nice to me.

So, this afternoon, as I sat at my desk and worked, I thought what I wouldnt give to be so happy-go-lucky. Wow, if I could be like that. And the reason I wish I was is because seeing her and knowing her the bit that I do, makes me realize that it can be REAL to be happy-go-lucky. She isnt phony or annoying even. I like her. I feel ashamed when shes too nice to me because I almost feel like a jerk most of the time.

Not that any of this matters. I guess Ive just had a rough day and such. So Im analyzing things. And I have all my Springsteen songs shuffled and Jerry says Springsteen is always depressing. Which I dont think, but ever since he said that it remains in the back of my mind.

So, please, if things can get better or easier I hope that it can all start tomorrow.

'Factory' is on now.

I guess I should go now. Its getting late and I hope to go to bed by 10. And I still gotta call Bobby and say good nite.



One more...





And one for the evening, an just how it feels. Or should I say, 'but that's not the way it feels'..



I'm in love with music. Its the best thing.

Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long. Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm. But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me. Someday I'll walk out of here again. Someday I'll walk out of here again...

Trapped...

And I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real. How can you look at me, as if I was just another one of your deals?

Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold, you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold. You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin. Yeah,
now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him"...

Well, it's been a bit since Ive done this. I never get around to it even though I always want to. It makes me a happier me.

Work has been so crazy lately. I dont know what it is about the holidays that always make me feel just a little sad. Maybe its because things change over the years. Maybe its because my life isnt all worked out the way that I would like and I know that I can blame nobody but myself. I think of my friends who have had majpr changes in their lives recently and I feel guilty for feeling sad during the holidays. After all - my life at least maintains the same crap day in and day out.

Ive been working between 9-10.5 hour days. Carly misses me and Im tired. I havent been to the gym at all this week, and I hate that. Plus I know that next week is going to be a real shit storm at work. I'm dreading it. As I sit here right now in fact, I am obsessing about the unfinished work I left this evening when I came home. I have a head cold and my right ear isnt hearing right.

Another thing that happens every year is the guilt I feel for working long hours and the zombie that I become. Not to mention that I always feel that I am not getting Carly enough. Its tough at times. Feeling inadequate.

Ive been so damn wishy washy and tearing up at the drop of a hat. I welled up the other night watching a television show. Its stupid. I was alone, thankfully, but still I hate swallowing that lump in the throat.

I want Carly to have a great day, and all of my family and friends of course, but I will be glad when the season is over. Work to resume normal, life to slow back down and to not be pulled in 500 directions.

So, I am excited about a few things. I got Carly the Beatles Yellow Submarine action figures for Christmas. She asked for them. She also asked for a parakeet and a dsi. She just tacked the dsi onto her list and I can not afford it. Her grandmother is getting it for her, and for aome reason it makes me feel like a failure. Last night as we were decorating the tree Carly was saying how she hoped to get a dsi and I felt so ashamed for not being able to afford it. Ive gotten quite a bit of stuff and Bobby and I are planning to go finish shopping this weekend. I am looking forward to that. I think I'll feel better when all the shopping is done.

My high lights

- Carly
- Bobby
- Smiling
- Going out with friends and having a great time :)
- Getting Carlys Christmas stuff
- Making tattoo plans!
- Feeling better about the gym (although not this week)
- Being busy at work ( even though it drives me nuts...)
- Overtime and extra dough
- Laughing
- Singing
- Laying in bed and listening to music
- Reading
- My 'relationship with Brian Fallon that Bobby made fun of.


I could go on. I should go on. But its getting late. I need to finish up and get to sleep. Ive been staying up way too late and I need to get to sleep. Gonna be another long day tomorrow...

Just for you!


Hey, John Lennon. Your my guy.

..Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry. I said, "I love you like the stars above, I love you 'till I die" And there's a place for us, you know the movie song, when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?...

Once there was a way to get back homeward...

...Once there was a way to get back home. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby...

Where to start... I have so much to say! I can only start with what's fresh in my mind. The past weekend. Started good, great middle, good ending- in spite of me being me.. Pah.

Bobby had off all weekend. So on Friday night we just went back to his house and hung out, Saturday morning we went to the gym and had lunch, out to dinner at DiPasquale's (more about this later...) and then to Apeys. I cant mention the weekend and everything it entailed without mentioning that I received alot of nice gifts. No special occasion... well, Saturday was the day I showed up on dis earff, so I guess thats what the occasion was. I guess. So.. yeah nice gifts. Listing them all would make me feel like I were being 'showy'. Sunday needs it's own paragraph.

Okay- I'll name one gift. Bobby got me the new Clarence Clemmons Biography. Imma excited :)

Ok- so- DiPasquale's. Bobby and I saw it featured on 'Diners, Drive-In's & Dives' last year and we've always wanted to try it. We went there once but they close at like 6pm - so we've never made it there because of our schedules. BUT - Bobby was off this weekend, so it worked out well. Homemade arancini, lasagna. Good schtuff. Although one piece of that lasagne could feed 2 or 3 people. I couldnt finish it all.

Sunday we woke up (semi) early and listened to The Beatles Brunch* and then went to the Farmers Market. Had REALLY good foodssss. Then we went to Boordy's Vineyard and I got shitty on wine. Drunk on a Sunday and then I had to go into work and process orders. I don't know. I had a great time. April, Ray, Rita & Chris met us there after a while.

Oh wait- I have to rewind a second. At work on Thursday everyone gave me a nice card and gift card for Target (mah favorite store!)

Okay- I'll just say it. I had a nice birthday. There. I hid it off of Facebook because I hate fusses, but people will always fuss over you if they care. Apey made me a cake and so did my mom. I gripe all the time about things not going my way and how people dont really care. But Im a stupid ass. People care, and I have the best friends and family. I know it. I love them all.

Sooo, I wanted to blog last week and I never got to it. Ive been in reasonably good spirits lately. Not because of the past weekend, although that was a huge boost, but even before that. I sat down to blog but I couldnt get the needed privacy so I gave up. I'm happy. Ive been going to the gym. Im working on believing that I can achieve things. I have such a defeatist 'why bother?' attitude. Dammit, I make myself sick sometimes. Im the kind of person that would get on my nerves if I were talking to them.

The difference is that I dont share these feelings with anyone. I know its annoying so Im perfectly content to stew all alone internally in my little hell.

But Ive decided Im going to try. Thats hard for me- to put real honest effort into things because I fear failure and keeps me from trying. I hate having to say 'I didnt do it" or worse 'I cant do it'. This will be the year that I DO do it. I'm tired of being afraid. Sometimes failure isnt an option, and I cant let it be. This is stupid. This is the year that I will lose weight and stop being a little fatty and I will get my fracking license already. I cant let another birthday go by without it. It was fine for years and now all of sudden its just not. I'm going to be a confident, independent woman finally. No more shiz.

Mmm, so LAST (not this past, but the previous Sunday) there was no Beatles Brunch. It's stupid, but it really got to me. All I could think is that I wouldnt have that anymore. It was a thing I used to have with my Dad. He isnt here anymore, but we visit together every Sunday when I listen to The Beatles Brunch. Thats also how Bobby gets to know my Dad. One song at a time.

This is getting winded. If I blogged everyday like I wanted, maybe I could avoid such long blogs.

Moving forward!

- Carly (Of course!)
- Bobby
- "And it happened in a Wendy's" "But it was the perfect time, anyway" "I know."
- Boordy's
- Being remembered
- My Mom
- My friends :)
- Turkey burgerrrr and Thai Spring Rolls
- Lasagna
- My iPod
- The Beatles
- My conversation with Bobby about my "relationship" with music
- Going to the gym with Bobby (twice!)
- Laughing
- Being in the car with Bobby. Singing and talking.
- Holding his hand.
- Sitting on a blanket with Bobby and his wine fuzzies
- Beatles Brunch coming back
- Getting a text from Jess
- Listening to the pouring rain.. RIGHT NOW!

Theres more, I know theres morrrrreeee... It will come to me. I wont promise you I will blog everyday (like I want to) but I will try.

I have been going to the gym pretty regularly, and that makes me feel proud of myself. So far this week (well I guess technically last week) Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday, today.. and hopefully again maybe Saturday. We'll see. Im gonna try! Harder this time. For real this time!

My advice to you all - for EVERYDAY!



And I suppose that's all for now.

One more thing... THE BOSS, First Mariner Arena tomorrow. I'm so psyched!

...Golden slumbers fill your eyes, smiles awake you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby. Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home, sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby....

Holy Moses, I have been removed...

...I have seen the spectre he has been here too. Distant cousin from down the line, brand of people who ain't my kind. Holy Moses, I have been removed...

Blah. I skimmed past a few things in yesterday's blog. I always forget something.

So, today was feh. Im tired- it was boring and then shitty and now I'm finished with the day. On the plus, Bobby came over. I was feeling too bitchy to enjoy it. It is what it is. I have way too much crap on my mind anymore. I need to change some things. I feel trapped. I worry that things will never change.

Then it gets over whelming, then I just shut down and refuse to think about anything. At least until bed time when I'm stuck thinking about it.

I need to work on not getting so damn irritated. I need some time to myself alone sometimes. I really wish that people didnt just stop in my room and hover near me just because I have no bedroom door. It bothers me. If I am laying in bed reading, or typing on the computer- don't I deserve to be left alone? I'm never alone. And Im not talking about Carly either- because she's my baby. If she stops to talk to me or needs me or is in my room, that doesnt bother me.

Wah, wah, wah... I'll shuddup. I have to go to my grandparents tomorrow to help my brother trim hedges and bag up the branches. Because apparently my assistance is needed in everything. I am so exhausted of everything it's unbelievable. I want to break free. Dammit.

I am hoping that I can get to the gym tomorrow.

High Points!
- Carly
- Bobby
- Bobby's visit
- Getting things done at work
- Dinner. I enjoyed it
- Elvis Costello
- OH! Alex coming into work on Thursday of last week :)
- Seeing Fresh last week and today as well

So, I think Ive mentioned that I recently noticed how sensitive I actually am. Thats a lie- Ive always been real sensitive and Ive been aware of it for a very long time. Anyway- I just try not to let it get to me. But it's all been really getting to me alot lately. Somebody at work told me today that I am completely clueless. When I said that I wasnt- her reply was a snort and an 'yeah right' sounding "Please!".

You all know me. I am alot of things. Clueless or an airhead I never thought. It really hurt my feelings.

I hate letting shit get to me.

Song for the evening-



And I'm done for the day.

...Holy Moses, I have been deceived. Now the wind has changed direction and I'll have to leave. Won't you please excuse my frankness but it's not my cup of tea. Holy Moses, I have been deceived...

The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago...

...Turned around backwards so the windshield shows. Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse. Still, it's so much clearer....

I didnt blog at all last week. I dont think that anyone noticed. I opened this page almost 30 minutes ago and Ive just been listening to 'The Heart of Saturday Night' instead of typing and thinking about things that may or may not matter.

Last week was OK. On the plus- Amber started back for the Holidays. So we've been chatty. Bobby came over on Monday and on Thursday. I was so exhausted last week it was ridiculous. I went to bed early every night except for Thursday. I wanted to blame it on the Daylight Savings Time thing, but I dont know if thats what it was. I felt ok otherwise, but who knows? Im exhausted today- but thats because I got like 4 hours of sleep last night and Ive been awake since 7:30 this morning. Its been a crumby kind of day too. Bobby and I always listen to the 'Beatles Brunch' radio show on Sunday mornings when he drives me home. I used to listen to it with my Dad alot growing up. But the show wasn't on today. It really upset me. Then as soon as I get in the house I have to hear bitching and complaining about my choices and money, and guilt trips about upcoming plans that I've made for myself. Its hard to enjoy life sometimes. So I came home, attempted to watch a movie and that didnt work. Cleaned in the kitchen for a few hours organizing a cupboard for my mom. Yay today.

October is over- but it still lingers a bit. Im feeling alot better than I was. Ive been thinking alot more about myself lately- and Ive realized that I suck at confidence and believing in myself. Ive always believed I was a positive thinker- but thats just not true. At least not anymore. Ive thought alot about things Ive done the past year or so, and while alot of things have been great - I havent finished or evern bothered to try many things that have been on my list of things to better my life because I believe theres no real point in trying- because I probably can't do ____ insert whatever is on my mind at the moment.

It scares me because I see Carly getting that way her Math and I wonder does she see me not trying and think that same way about herself? I'll have to overthink this subject and analyze it as I lay in bed tonight.

Ive had a good weekend. Friday night Bobby and I didnt really do anything. It was my brothers birthday so we hung out at home and Bobby bought him pizza. Cake. Dinner. Presents. It was nice. Bobbys brother and his girlfriend brought their snapping turtle 'Aquapig' home to stay on Friday. She's cute. I touched her foot and thought she was very cute.

Yargh. Let me back up a little. Thursday was actually my favorite day of the week (not weekend) because Bobby came over and we got to be all snuggly and we watched Survivor together. I seriously love it when he comes and watches TV with me. I like laying all over him. And we had Play-Doh time with Carly later than normal since she was off on Friday. I made her a Turkey- she seems to always pick with the seasons.

Going back a little further- I hated Monday. For the obvious, normal, to be expected Monday reasons- but also because I burned my damn right ring finger pretty bad. Its still sore now almost a week later. And it looks gross.

Guess I'd better accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative...
- Carly
- Bobby
- Jerry's birthday
- Jerry's birthday cake...
- Amber starting back
- Poker night
- Panera Bread
- Panera Bread's new Macaroni & Cheese.
- Not really caring
- Smiling
- Singing in the car with Bobby
- Deciding to decide that I am way too self deprecating after all, and further deciding that I had better think more about this whole thing in bed tonight.

Well, I would like to try and blog a few times this week. It makes me feel better. Last week I was just DOA so I couldnt. I'm hoping for a better week for blogs this week. And also hoping that I will stop dwelling on Jessica and all that crap. Because it crosses my mind at least once (really several) time a day how we never talk anymore. And I was always so proud that we had been able to stay great friends for so long. Now- when I do happen to get her on IM or something half the time she has nothing to say to me and signs off without saying bye.

But I am going to tell you (as well as myself) that I really dont care about all that.

As usual...


...I forgot my shirt at the water's edge. The moon is low tonight. Night swimming deserves a quiet night. I'm not sure all these people understand. It's not like years ago, the fear of getting caught, of recklessness and water...

All my little plans and schemes, lost like some forgotten dreams...

...Just like little girls and boys, playing with their little toys. Seems like all we really were doing was waitin' for love. Lonely to be alone, no need to be alone. It's real love, it's real, Yes it's real love, it's real....

Ugh Thursday. Has this been the longest week of the year? Plus there was yesterday when I spent the day ahead of myself a whole day. That is the most depressing thing ever. I was thinking that my weekend was gonna start today and shit. Hah. Damn - when I finally realized what day of the week it was I was crushed for a minute.

Today has been pretty quiet. Another productive day at work. That always puts me in a good mood. I realized something today though. I'm way more sensitive then Ive ever let on or actually realized. Someone at work said something to me today that hurt my feelings. And then I was mad at myself for feeling hurt. Im usually pretty "whatever." about things like that.

And she probably said it in jest. At least thats what Ive been telling myself. Of course, many a true word is spoken in jest.

We've all heard that- we all know its true. Hell, we all do it from time to time. Its a cop out. So if your challenged or questioned on what you've just said - you can back out of it by simply saying "I was kidding!" No ya weren't.

And Im obsessing. And Im done obsessing.

High points:
- Carly!!
- Bobby! He came to visit :)
-Survivor. Haha - yeah I said it and I mean it.
- Getting things done.
- Talking to Carly. REALLY talking to her.
- Carly singing in the shower.
- Reading a book to Carly.
- Smiling like I mean it
- The kindness of others.
- Chili with Fritos, even though it was too spicy.
- Being snuggly with Bobby
- Carly's explaination of LOVE

Carly and I had a 'disagreement' tonight. That resulted in me yelling at her. I felt crappy, so I went in to Carlys room past her bedtime and she was still awake- just laying there. This happens more than it should. She's like me in an unfortunate way, she lays in bed at night and thinks. It doesnt matter how tired she is, she thinks too much to rest. It sucks. I can never turn my mind off.

So, I sat on her bed tonight and I was talking to her about the trouble she's been having in Math. She told me Math bores her and she doesnt get it. And she said she thinks about other stuff in Math class. She's passing her other classes. She has a 'D' in Math. Well, she could be doing better in Social Studies too, but Math is bad. She told me that she thinks of other things in Math. Like Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Christmas. And she said whether or not her Dad is going to visit is ALWAYS in the corner of her mind.

We talked a few minutes and she cried about how she's missed him since he moved to North Carolina. And since then Ive been sitting here crying because she was. I can hold in tears for alot of stuff. For myself, sappy movies, bad injuries... but with Carly my heart breaks with her. I just want her to be okay and I want this school year to get better and be a good one. I feel like I'm failing here if she isnt doing well. So, I guess we're all going to have to try harder.

For my number ones!






...From this moment on I know, exactly where my life will go. Seems that all I really was doing was waitin' for love. No need to be afraid, no need to be afraid. It's real love, it's real, yes it's real love, it's real. Thought I'd been in love before, but in my heart I wanted more. Seems like all I really was doing was waitin' for you...