...Just like little girls and boys, playing with their little toys. Seems like all we really were doing was waitin' for love. Lonely to be alone, no need to be alone. It's real love, it's real, Yes it's real love, it's real....
Ugh Thursday. Has this been the longest week of the year? Plus there was yesterday when I spent the day ahead of myself a whole day. That is the most depressing thing ever. I was thinking that my weekend was gonna start today and shit. Hah. Damn - when I finally realized what day of the week it was I was crushed for a minute.
Today has been pretty quiet. Another productive day at work. That always puts me in a good mood. I realized something today though. I'm way more sensitive then Ive ever let on or actually realized. Someone at work said something to me today that hurt my feelings. And then I was mad at myself for feeling hurt. Im usually pretty "whatever." about things like that.
And she probably said it in jest. At least thats what Ive been telling myself. Of course, many a true word is spoken in jest.
We've all heard that- we all know its true. Hell, we all do it from time to time. Its a cop out. So if your challenged or questioned on what you've just said - you can back out of it by simply saying "I was kidding!" No ya weren't.
And Im obsessing. And Im done obsessing.
High points:
- Carly!!
- Bobby! He came to visit :)
-Survivor. Haha - yeah I said it and I mean it.
- Getting things done.
- Talking to Carly. REALLY talking to her.
- Carly singing in the shower.
- Reading a book to Carly.
- Smiling like I mean it
- The kindness of others.
- Chili with Fritos, even though it was too spicy.
- Being snuggly with Bobby
- Carly's explaination of LOVE
Carly and I had a 'disagreement' tonight. That resulted in me yelling at her. I felt crappy, so I went in to Carlys room past her bedtime and she was still awake- just laying there. This happens more than it should. She's like me in an unfortunate way, she lays in bed at night and thinks. It doesnt matter how tired she is, she thinks too much to rest. It sucks. I can never turn my mind off.
So, I sat on her bed tonight and I was talking to her about the trouble she's been having in Math. She told me Math bores her and she doesnt get it. And she said she thinks about other stuff in Math class. She's passing her other classes. She has a 'D' in Math. Well, she could be doing better in Social Studies too, but Math is bad. She told me that she thinks of other things in Math. Like Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Christmas. And she said whether or not her Dad is going to visit is ALWAYS in the corner of her mind.
We talked a few minutes and she cried about how she's missed him since he moved to North Carolina. And since then Ive been sitting here crying because she was. I can hold in tears for alot of stuff. For myself, sappy movies, bad injuries... but with Carly my heart breaks with her. I just want her to be okay and I want this school year to get better and be a good one. I feel like I'm failing here if she isnt doing well. So, I guess we're all going to have to try harder.
For my number ones!
...From this moment on I know, exactly where my life will go. Seems that all I really was doing was waitin' for love. No need to be afraid, no need to be afraid. It's real love, it's real, yes it's real love, it's real. Thought I'd been in love before, but in my heart I wanted more. Seems like all I really was doing was waitin' for you...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Round here, we always stand up straight. Round here, something radiates...
...Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand, she said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis. She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land just like she's
walking on a wire in the circus...
The days are getting better. I was a little out of it at work and my boss caught me dazing off. She asked me to do something and came back a few minutes later to see if I had done and I was just sort of staring at Facebook when she came back. I felt schmuck-y. Then I felt guilty and like I was a bad employee. I hate that shit. Ive had a series of sad freaking songs playing in my mind all day. It seems like Im always on the verge of tears but I never actually cry or anything. I feel my eyes filling up, and the tears are right there. One blink and they will come falling. But somehow I stop it. Which is good because I seriously hate crying.
Other than that- I didnt get to the gym today. April couldnt go because she hurt her back. I just feel like I can't get started.
Or maybe I just dont want to get started because I'm afraid of failing.
Bobby had a Halloween thingy to go to tonight and I couldnt go because I dont like to go out when the baby is home. Between getting her fed, bathed, homework done, bedtime and all that jazz, I'm lucky to have time to be sitting here writing this dribble. However, I do miss Bobby when he's is out. I feel like we havent talked all week even though I know we have. I dont know. This week is dragging. I spent the whole day believing it was Thursday and telling customers that called in that if they wanted their order for the weekend that I would have to overnight it on Friday for delivery on Saturday morning. Which is like super expensive. I had to call back 2 people after I relized what day of the week it was. I just can't get my head on straight this week.
OH, and a friend of mine brought her son to work today and I held him. Cutest smile ever. There is something about being around a baby, and a baby smell that just makes me happy. And holding him just makes it even more awesome. Plus he's a doll face. It definitely put me in a good mood today.
High points:
- Carly
- Bobby
- Jenn and Dan coming out a few weeks ago. (Haven't seen her in a few years!)
- Laying in bed listening to my iPod.
- The Crumbiest Playlist ever
- Being a 'thinker' - even though it drives me nuts
- Carly 'remembering' Sam. The Play-Doh Scarecrow that she asked me to make the other night when Bobby was here. (See pic, we will never forget you, Sam...)
- Talking to my grandparents, and my Pop telling me that he loves me too instead of 'same here' which is what he usually says.
- Fried potatoes. But I hate food.
- Making dinner for Carly & Abby
- Feeling somewhat inspired.
- Seeing and then holding Alex.
Theres more. Theres always more. I need to get back into the swing of writing a blog. I miss writing on myspace, man. I hardly log in there but I have so many blogs there. I wish I could export them here. Plus I think I had more of a following there.
:::sigh:::
I have a couple songs for you tonight. I enjoy them, maybe you will too.
I wanted the 'Dire Straits' version of this song, but I couldnt find a good version of it on youtube. I did stumble upon this though, and I must say that I am pleasantly surprised.
And I guess that's a wrap. There will be a tomorrow night. And I may just write again. I feel better when I do.
In the meantime, 2 more days and it will be 3 years. I'm sure that I am just dreading the days leading up to this more than I am dreading the actual day. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that.
...She parks her car outside of my house and takes her clothes off. Says she's close to understanding Jesus. She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood, she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.
Round here we're carving out our names. Round here we all look the same. Round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs. Round here she's slipping through my hands...
-
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Until you've seen this trash can dream come true...
...You stand at the edge while people run you through. And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. I thank the Lord there's people out there like you...
Two nights in a row. Ive had a bad night. The days can be really shitty anytime, but today was especially bad. Plus, I just have been having an October all month long.
Work was a little quieter today. I went in half an hour earlier to get some things done. I actually felt productive by the end of the work day. I didnt feel like a failure. I hate that about work. Sometimes I feel like Im getting nowhere.
Since I had tonsillitis last week I didnt go to the gym. Granted, I couldnt eat so I didnt eat much, but I still feel awful. I need to get back to the gym. I think I'd feel better. Ive been sitting around watching TV alot lately. Which sucks. I never used to do that. But I got sucked into 'The Biggest Loser' this year. Ive never watched it before. I thought 'Hey, I joined a gym, this will inspire me' but instead it makes me feel hopeless. I hate having myself beaten before I really get started. But I know me.
Take last year for example. The whole 'Driver's License' thing. I hate being afraid. And I know my biggest issue is that I dont really believe in myself.
Ah well. I obsess way too much.
Did I mention I had a really bad night? I really did. I need to get my own place again. I really wish that things were different at least. I'm way too old to hope that one day I'm going to go to bed one night and wake the next day and everything prior to that will have been just a bad nightmare.
But every damn night before I go to bed I have that little thought. Tonight will be tonight. Everything will be different tomorrow. I will wake up in my own house. I will wake up with enough money to live comfortably, because more than what I need will change me. I will be thinner. I will be happier. I will still have a best friend named Jessica, and she won't have forgotten me. I will have a really good relationship with my mom and she won't be disappointed in me everyday. She will be happier. My brother will be happier. I'll have my license and a car. And be confidant.
But I always wake up to the crappy alarm clock feeling like crap and wishing I were somewhere else.
And skimming over that just now I realize how blah I sound.
There were some high points.
- Carly
- Bobby
- Feeling productive at work.
- Being smiled at.
- Getting a copy of the homework that Carly forgot...
- Being quiet.
- Hot showers.
- Elton John
- Realizing that this is pay week.
- Bobby forcing me to play Beatles' Rock Band, and me really enjoying it.
- The Baltimore Book Fair with Carly, Bobby & Michelle.
Hmm... some of this stuff is from weeks past. I will throw in some random stuff I remember here and there in my upcoming posts.
I guess that's all for now. Oh, last week I saw The Gaslight Anthem. They were really great. I had wanted to see them for so long and Bobby got the tickets a while back. I wish I could have been closer, but I decided to keep a distance because I was afraid being in a sweaty crowd might make me sick again.
I'm pretty tired.
However, this video made me perk up a little. He's a sexy mofo. Plus it's a Beatles tune. I can't name all the awesomeness. The sexy man. The sexy voice. The fact that The Gaslight Anthem is an awesome band on it's own. From 2:21 to roughly 2:54 was mmmm...azing. That made my night. I think. Plus he looks like he's enjoying the song. And who wouldnt be, really?
Maybe life will all be different ONE day. I think that maybe this will be year for better things.
...While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, sons of bankers, sons of lawyers, turn around and say good morning to the night. For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why. They know not if it's dark outside or light...
Two nights in a row. Ive had a bad night. The days can be really shitty anytime, but today was especially bad. Plus, I just have been having an October all month long.
Work was a little quieter today. I went in half an hour earlier to get some things done. I actually felt productive by the end of the work day. I didnt feel like a failure. I hate that about work. Sometimes I feel like Im getting nowhere.
Since I had tonsillitis last week I didnt go to the gym. Granted, I couldnt eat so I didnt eat much, but I still feel awful. I need to get back to the gym. I think I'd feel better. Ive been sitting around watching TV alot lately. Which sucks. I never used to do that. But I got sucked into 'The Biggest Loser' this year. Ive never watched it before. I thought 'Hey, I joined a gym, this will inspire me' but instead it makes me feel hopeless. I hate having myself beaten before I really get started. But I know me.
Take last year for example. The whole 'Driver's License' thing. I hate being afraid. And I know my biggest issue is that I dont really believe in myself.
Ah well. I obsess way too much.
Did I mention I had a really bad night? I really did. I need to get my own place again. I really wish that things were different at least. I'm way too old to hope that one day I'm going to go to bed one night and wake the next day and everything prior to that will have been just a bad nightmare.
But every damn night before I go to bed I have that little thought. Tonight will be tonight. Everything will be different tomorrow. I will wake up in my own house. I will wake up with enough money to live comfortably, because more than what I need will change me. I will be thinner. I will be happier. I will still have a best friend named Jessica, and she won't have forgotten me. I will have a really good relationship with my mom and she won't be disappointed in me everyday. She will be happier. My brother will be happier. I'll have my license and a car. And be confidant.
But I always wake up to the crappy alarm clock feeling like crap and wishing I were somewhere else.
And skimming over that just now I realize how blah I sound.
There were some high points.
- Carly
- Bobby
- Feeling productive at work.
- Being smiled at.
- Getting a copy of the homework that Carly forgot...
- Being quiet.
- Hot showers.
- Elton John
- Realizing that this is pay week.
- Bobby forcing me to play Beatles' Rock Band, and me really enjoying it.
- The Baltimore Book Fair with Carly, Bobby & Michelle.
Hmm... some of this stuff is from weeks past. I will throw in some random stuff I remember here and there in my upcoming posts.
I guess that's all for now. Oh, last week I saw The Gaslight Anthem. They were really great. I had wanted to see them for so long and Bobby got the tickets a while back. I wish I could have been closer, but I decided to keep a distance because I was afraid being in a sweaty crowd might make me sick again.
I'm pretty tired.
However, this video made me perk up a little. He's a sexy mofo. Plus it's a Beatles tune. I can't name all the awesomeness. The sexy man. The sexy voice. The fact that The Gaslight Anthem is an awesome band on it's own. From 2:21 to roughly 2:54 was mmmm...azing. That made my night. I think. Plus he looks like he's enjoying the song. And who wouldnt be, really?
Maybe life will all be different ONE day. I think that maybe this will be year for better things.
...While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, sons of bankers, sons of lawyers, turn around and say good morning to the night. For unless they see the sky, but they can't and that is why. They know not if it's dark outside or light...
Monday, October 26, 2009
Every time I see your face It reminds me of the places we used to go...
...But all I've got is a photograph, and I realize you're not
coming back anymore..Ugh. I have such a hard time sitting here at night. I love to blog, I just feel like I don't ever have the time. October is miserable for me anyway. Be happy that I didn't blog all month long as promised. You would've been so damn depressed by the end of the month you'd be sending me on my way. October USED to be my favorite. The colors are the prettiest this month. The weather is usually crisp and chilly but not too cold. There are sharpened pencils in Carly's pencil case and I just loved it. Then 3 years ago October started the worst time in my life and I can't bring myself to really enjoy it the way that I used to. You all already know what happened. But if your new here - then maybe you don't. My Dad had terminal cancer. His birthday is on October 19th and I don't even think he knew I was there to see him. I hope he did. He wanted a Lemon Meringue Pie. I remember staring at the pie on his little hospital table and knowing he would really love it. If he would've been able to wake up and see us and have that pie. I dont think a pie has ever meant so much to me. And even though I had my mom there and other various family members, I was all alone. Gary left. He had broken up with me when we got home from the hospice. My life was just a wreck. All in October. And then my Dad passed away on October 30th, I was at work. I was waiting for a co-worker to bring me back a small fry from Mcdonald's and a 6-piece Chicken nugget. To this day I never order that combination of food. I always have a burger and fries. Or nuggets and a shake. Like I should even eat McDonald's. But I feel like if I order that exact meal again that something bad could happen to me. That was the year that Carly was Supergirl for Halloween. That was the year really really bad things happened to me and I cried like my heart was physically cracking in half. For all I know- it may have. My doctor said it didnt sound right in there - but I can't be bothered with MRI's and all that stuff. Remembering that day makes this big ball of sick form in my stomach. It turns over and over. I can feel it there and I don't like it. My Dad would have been 59 this year.
I've been in such a bad mood. October, you really broke my heart. You did. I can't breathe well through you. I can't feel too good. I'm either really sad or really mad. You should never come around me anymore. We just can't be friends anymore. And if you have been around me this month, then I apologize. I can't control myself lately.
I will feel so much better in November. On November 15th. Better even- November 20th. When Springsteen comes to town.
I think alot of me in my own place. I see myself walking around in my place. Maybe with a cup of coffee and a book. It's wierd. Its on my mind alot.
Ive been up to alot lately. I joined a gym. I had tonsillitis. I went to a Halloween party and dressed up silly. I made a scarecrow out of Play-Doh. I saw Jeff Dunham. I saw my friends. I met one of Bob's friends. I had to eat soft food. I still haven't had a good potsticker.
- Carly
- Bobby
- Having a job
- Seeing my pals
- Being remembered
- Getting well again
- Thinking too much
- Remembering
- Being a better person now
- Carly's Beatles tee shirts
I can name 25 days worth of high points. Theres so many more than that, but they pass me by and go unnoticed when I don't share regularly.
I won't be posting on Friday, but this video is for that day.
I am promising myself that I will do this more frequently. I feel a little better just having typed it out.
I thought I'd make it the day you went away, but I can't make it til you
come home again to stay.
I can't get used to living here.
While my heart is broke, my tears are cried for you.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
People say Im lazy dreaming my life away...
...Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me, when I tell them that Im doing fine watching shadows on the wall. Dont you miss the big time boy? Your no longer on the ball...
So, I don't even sign into myspace daily anymore, so, I figured that I would give it a go on here and blog here. I liked blogging on myspace, and I don't like to start over.
I don't like change too much. It scares me. Make me uncomfortable and it makes me quiet. It makes me think too much.
I am just going to pick up where I left off when I posted on myspace. Which was daily at one time. I am going to assume that my audience is the same. And I believe that my last post was before Bobby and I went to Alex & Chloe's wedding. I wore a brown dress and felt awkward. Plus the shoes I bought hurt my feet. If feet could cry, mine would have been sobbing that day. If I ever find the man that invented high heels, I'll kill it. The shoe, not the man.
So, yeah - the wedding. It was really nice. I appreciated the invite, not because I love weddings, but because it's always nice to be remembered. I wore a dress because I think Bobby really wanted me too. I was uncomfortable and I got a run in my damn pantyhose on the way there. Because that's just me.
Oh well. Alot have things have been happening. Bobby bought tickets for us to see Bruce Springsteen in November. We are seeing The Gaslight Anthem in October. I can't stop listening to The Beatles and George Harrison's solo schtuff. Well, tonight it's John Lennon Acoustic. Its just the kind of mood I'm in. Ive switched to Elton John and even tried The gaslight Anthem. But I'm kinda bummed and John Lennon's familiar voice is the only thing that feels good at the moment.
I almost hate to say that I love The Beatles. It's like saying you love ice cream. Or dogs. Sunshine. Love. Whatever. Nobody cares. I have a passion for them. They are like going home. Eh. I can get all into it, but I don't want to blog about The Beatles right now. I can do that another time.
Work has been ass busting busy lately. It's exhausting. I literally look at the clock and am surprised that it's 11am, because I feel like I just sat down. The same thing happens at 2:30. Then again at 4:03pm and I supposed to be leaving. I'm grateful to have a job. But I feel inadequate lately. We're so busy that it's too much for me. I am trying and I feel like I'm not doing well. Nobody is complaining or anything- but I am getting slightly behind on stuff and I feel uncomfortable. I was told today that someone new is starting next Monday. She is a friend of the president of the company. And I'm just wondering what exactly it is that she will be. I know that she will be Customer Service like me. I am curious as to whether she is going to be my 'manager'. Is she secretly going to be replacing me because she is a turbo CS agent and can do everything I do, better, faster and more efficiently? I am so paranoid when it comes to my job. I always feel like I'm 3 seconds away from getting my head chopped off. Ive never really gotten too comfortable at any job. I feel like I'm a pretty well grounded person. But when it comes to work, I find that my ears twitch when I see a closed door or notice hushed tones. Then all my sanity is out the window and I am a vulnerable mess.
It was rough after work today. I can't post it in a blog as to why or what- but it was the same old song. And the radio's getting old. It feels good to just ramble. I set this account up tonight and I really wanted the url 'a day in the life @ b l o g g e r . com' but it wasn't available. I sort of knew that it wouldnt be, because it's just an awesome url. But I tried nonetheless to mainly disappoint myself. I knew I would, and sometimes when your having a bad day as I have been- it's just easier to set yourself up for more crud because then at least you can say to yourself "Will nothing go right for me today!?' And you can (internally) feel sorry for yourself. But if your anything like me- then when someone asks you how you are you'll just say that your great like you really are. Because I don't like whiners. So I just whine to myself. And to my blog, and get over it already.
On the positive- I feel like I have been talking to Carly so much more lately. And sharing things with her. Like Beatles facts, random thoughts and time. Bobby and I took her to The Baltimore Book Fair last Saturday and she stayed home Saturday night and that was so great. I made a big fort in the living room for her on Sunday afternoon and just let her make a mess. I didn't hound her to clean up. I just let her play. All day. I can't tell you how it makes me feel inside. I want alot of things. I want to be a driver. I want to be thinner. I want to be confidant. I want to be unforgettable. I want to be appreciated. I want to be Bobby's girl. I want my mom to hear me. I want a certain someone to see me as something. I want to not cry ever, because I dont like the way it feels. I want a good chicken and vegetable potsticker.
But mostly, I want to have a great relationship with my daughter. And I feel like its getting better all the time- pun intended.
I was talking to April and Amber last month and I told them that I didn't want to have a relationship with Carly like my mom and I have. And I worry because Carly sees the dynamic I have with my mother because we live together. And April said that we probably will, because that's the way it is with mother's and daughters. And that statement has been echoing in my mind at least one a day since she said it. It visits me at night when I'm laying in bed staring at the wall wishing I was asleep. My mother and I love each other. And there is no doubt that she loves me with everything she's got. She'd do anything for me, and I feel exactly the same about her. But we're so different. I wish that we got along better. We both have strong opinions I guess. I dont know. All I do know is that my heart would break if Carly and I couldnt communicate well. It kills me inside that I have such a hard time with my own mom.
So, keeping with my usual format, here's my high points of the day.
- Carly
- Bobby's phone call.
- Carly sitting on my bed listening to Beatles songs with me. And just talking to me.
- Reading to Carly.
- Getting the house to myself, even though it was only for 15 minutes.
- My grandmother's meatloaf.
- John Lennon songs.
- Making the decision to join the gym.
- Survivor- I'm not a television girl, but that's my show.
- 'Let It Be' don't overlook that song. Its easy to do so because it's a radio tune and you've been hearing it your whole life. So you probably sing along and pay no mind to what your singing. But I suggest you look it up immediately after reading this and REALLY listen to it. (I just switched off John and rolled over to The Beatles. It's ok, I can do that)
Here's a video of where I'm at. I probably wont be posting tomorrow because I won't be home.
Catch you again on Sunday.
I don't know what we're doing tomorrow night, but Bobby and I are going to a Bull-less Bullroast on Saturday night. so, that should be good. April and Ray and Amber and Muskee :) Im excited for friend time. And B time- but that goes without saying.
...Im just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go...
So, I don't even sign into myspace daily anymore, so, I figured that I would give it a go on here and blog here. I liked blogging on myspace, and I don't like to start over.
I don't like change too much. It scares me. Make me uncomfortable and it makes me quiet. It makes me think too much.
I am just going to pick up where I left off when I posted on myspace. Which was daily at one time. I am going to assume that my audience is the same. And I believe that my last post was before Bobby and I went to Alex & Chloe's wedding. I wore a brown dress and felt awkward. Plus the shoes I bought hurt my feet. If feet could cry, mine would have been sobbing that day. If I ever find the man that invented high heels, I'll kill it. The shoe, not the man.
So, yeah - the wedding. It was really nice. I appreciated the invite, not because I love weddings, but because it's always nice to be remembered. I wore a dress because I think Bobby really wanted me too. I was uncomfortable and I got a run in my damn pantyhose on the way there. Because that's just me.
Oh well. Alot have things have been happening. Bobby bought tickets for us to see Bruce Springsteen in November. We are seeing The Gaslight Anthem in October. I can't stop listening to The Beatles and George Harrison's solo schtuff. Well, tonight it's John Lennon Acoustic. Its just the kind of mood I'm in. Ive switched to Elton John and even tried The gaslight Anthem. But I'm kinda bummed and John Lennon's familiar voice is the only thing that feels good at the moment.
I almost hate to say that I love The Beatles. It's like saying you love ice cream. Or dogs. Sunshine. Love. Whatever. Nobody cares. I have a passion for them. They are like going home. Eh. I can get all into it, but I don't want to blog about The Beatles right now. I can do that another time.
Work has been ass busting busy lately. It's exhausting. I literally look at the clock and am surprised that it's 11am, because I feel like I just sat down. The same thing happens at 2:30. Then again at 4:03pm and I supposed to be leaving. I'm grateful to have a job. But I feel inadequate lately. We're so busy that it's too much for me. I am trying and I feel like I'm not doing well. Nobody is complaining or anything- but I am getting slightly behind on stuff and I feel uncomfortable. I was told today that someone new is starting next Monday. She is a friend of the president of the company. And I'm just wondering what exactly it is that she will be. I know that she will be Customer Service like me. I am curious as to whether she is going to be my 'manager'. Is she secretly going to be replacing me because she is a turbo CS agent and can do everything I do, better, faster and more efficiently? I am so paranoid when it comes to my job. I always feel like I'm 3 seconds away from getting my head chopped off. Ive never really gotten too comfortable at any job. I feel like I'm a pretty well grounded person. But when it comes to work, I find that my ears twitch when I see a closed door or notice hushed tones. Then all my sanity is out the window and I am a vulnerable mess.
It was rough after work today. I can't post it in a blog as to why or what- but it was the same old song. And the radio's getting old. It feels good to just ramble. I set this account up tonight and I really wanted the url 'a day in the life @ b l o g g e r . com' but it wasn't available. I sort of knew that it wouldnt be, because it's just an awesome url. But I tried nonetheless to mainly disappoint myself. I knew I would, and sometimes when your having a bad day as I have been- it's just easier to set yourself up for more crud because then at least you can say to yourself "Will nothing go right for me today!?' And you can (internally) feel sorry for yourself. But if your anything like me- then when someone asks you how you are you'll just say that your great like you really are. Because I don't like whiners. So I just whine to myself. And to my blog, and get over it already.
On the positive- I feel like I have been talking to Carly so much more lately. And sharing things with her. Like Beatles facts, random thoughts and time. Bobby and I took her to The Baltimore Book Fair last Saturday and she stayed home Saturday night and that was so great. I made a big fort in the living room for her on Sunday afternoon and just let her make a mess. I didn't hound her to clean up. I just let her play. All day. I can't tell you how it makes me feel inside. I want alot of things. I want to be a driver. I want to be thinner. I want to be confidant. I want to be unforgettable. I want to be appreciated. I want to be Bobby's girl. I want my mom to hear me. I want a certain someone to see me as something. I want to not cry ever, because I dont like the way it feels. I want a good chicken and vegetable potsticker.
But mostly, I want to have a great relationship with my daughter. And I feel like its getting better all the time- pun intended.
I was talking to April and Amber last month and I told them that I didn't want to have a relationship with Carly like my mom and I have. And I worry because Carly sees the dynamic I have with my mother because we live together. And April said that we probably will, because that's the way it is with mother's and daughters. And that statement has been echoing in my mind at least one a day since she said it. It visits me at night when I'm laying in bed staring at the wall wishing I was asleep. My mother and I love each other. And there is no doubt that she loves me with everything she's got. She'd do anything for me, and I feel exactly the same about her. But we're so different. I wish that we got along better. We both have strong opinions I guess. I dont know. All I do know is that my heart would break if Carly and I couldnt communicate well. It kills me inside that I have such a hard time with my own mom.
So, keeping with my usual format, here's my high points of the day.
- Carly
- Bobby's phone call.
- Carly sitting on my bed listening to Beatles songs with me. And just talking to me.
- Reading to Carly.
- Getting the house to myself, even though it was only for 15 minutes.
- My grandmother's meatloaf.
- John Lennon songs.
- Making the decision to join the gym.
- Survivor- I'm not a television girl, but that's my show.
- 'Let It Be' don't overlook that song. Its easy to do so because it's a radio tune and you've been hearing it your whole life. So you probably sing along and pay no mind to what your singing. But I suggest you look it up immediately after reading this and REALLY listen to it. (I just switched off John and rolled over to The Beatles. It's ok, I can do that)
Here's a video of where I'm at. I probably wont be posting tomorrow because I won't be home.
Catch you again on Sunday.
I don't know what we're doing tomorrow night, but Bobby and I are going to a Bull-less Bullroast on Saturday night. so, that should be good. April and Ray and Amber and Muskee :) Im excited for friend time. And B time- but that goes without saying.
...Im just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round, I really love to watch them roll. No longer riding on the merry-go-round, I just had to let it go...
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