Once there was a way to get back homeward...

...Once there was a way to get back home. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby...

Where to start... I have so much to say! I can only start with what's fresh in my mind. The past weekend. Started good, great middle, good ending- in spite of me being me.. Pah.

Bobby had off all weekend. So on Friday night we just went back to his house and hung out, Saturday morning we went to the gym and had lunch, out to dinner at DiPasquale's (more about this later...) and then to Apeys. I cant mention the weekend and everything it entailed without mentioning that I received alot of nice gifts. No special occasion... well, Saturday was the day I showed up on dis earff, so I guess thats what the occasion was. I guess. So.. yeah nice gifts. Listing them all would make me feel like I were being 'showy'. Sunday needs it's own paragraph.

Okay- I'll name one gift. Bobby got me the new Clarence Clemmons Biography. Imma excited :)

Ok- so- DiPasquale's. Bobby and I saw it featured on 'Diners, Drive-In's & Dives' last year and we've always wanted to try it. We went there once but they close at like 6pm - so we've never made it there because of our schedules. BUT - Bobby was off this weekend, so it worked out well. Homemade arancini, lasagna. Good schtuff. Although one piece of that lasagne could feed 2 or 3 people. I couldnt finish it all.

Sunday we woke up (semi) early and listened to The Beatles Brunch* and then went to the Farmers Market. Had REALLY good foodssss. Then we went to Boordy's Vineyard and I got shitty on wine. Drunk on a Sunday and then I had to go into work and process orders. I don't know. I had a great time. April, Ray, Rita & Chris met us there after a while.

Oh wait- I have to rewind a second. At work on Thursday everyone gave me a nice card and gift card for Target (mah favorite store!)

Okay- I'll just say it. I had a nice birthday. There. I hid it off of Facebook because I hate fusses, but people will always fuss over you if they care. Apey made me a cake and so did my mom. I gripe all the time about things not going my way and how people dont really care. But Im a stupid ass. People care, and I have the best friends and family. I know it. I love them all.

Sooo, I wanted to blog last week and I never got to it. Ive been in reasonably good spirits lately. Not because of the past weekend, although that was a huge boost, but even before that. I sat down to blog but I couldnt get the needed privacy so I gave up. I'm happy. Ive been going to the gym. Im working on believing that I can achieve things. I have such a defeatist 'why bother?' attitude. Dammit, I make myself sick sometimes. Im the kind of person that would get on my nerves if I were talking to them.

The difference is that I dont share these feelings with anyone. I know its annoying so Im perfectly content to stew all alone internally in my little hell.

But Ive decided Im going to try. Thats hard for me- to put real honest effort into things because I fear failure and keeps me from trying. I hate having to say 'I didnt do it" or worse 'I cant do it'. This will be the year that I DO do it. I'm tired of being afraid. Sometimes failure isnt an option, and I cant let it be. This is stupid. This is the year that I will lose weight and stop being a little fatty and I will get my fracking license already. I cant let another birthday go by without it. It was fine for years and now all of sudden its just not. I'm going to be a confident, independent woman finally. No more shiz.

Mmm, so LAST (not this past, but the previous Sunday) there was no Beatles Brunch. It's stupid, but it really got to me. All I could think is that I wouldnt have that anymore. It was a thing I used to have with my Dad. He isnt here anymore, but we visit together every Sunday when I listen to The Beatles Brunch. Thats also how Bobby gets to know my Dad. One song at a time.

This is getting winded. If I blogged everyday like I wanted, maybe I could avoid such long blogs.

Moving forward!

- Carly (Of course!)
- Bobby
- "And it happened in a Wendy's" "But it was the perfect time, anyway" "I know."
- Boordy's
- Being remembered
- My Mom
- My friends :)
- Turkey burgerrrr and Thai Spring Rolls
- Lasagna
- My iPod
- The Beatles
- My conversation with Bobby about my "relationship" with music
- Going to the gym with Bobby (twice!)
- Laughing
- Being in the car with Bobby. Singing and talking.
- Holding his hand.
- Sitting on a blanket with Bobby and his wine fuzzies
- Beatles Brunch coming back
- Getting a text from Jess
- Listening to the pouring rain.. RIGHT NOW!

Theres more, I know theres morrrrreeee... It will come to me. I wont promise you I will blog everyday (like I want to) but I will try.

I have been going to the gym pretty regularly, and that makes me feel proud of myself. So far this week (well I guess technically last week) Saturday, Tuesday, Wednesday, today.. and hopefully again maybe Saturday. We'll see. Im gonna try! Harder this time. For real this time!

My advice to you all - for EVERYDAY!



And I suppose that's all for now.

One more thing... THE BOSS, First Mariner Arena tomorrow. I'm so psyched!

...Golden slumbers fill your eyes, smiles awake you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby. Once there was a way to get back homeward. Once there was a way to get back home, sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby....

Holy Moses, I have been removed...

...I have seen the spectre he has been here too. Distant cousin from down the line, brand of people who ain't my kind. Holy Moses, I have been removed...

Blah. I skimmed past a few things in yesterday's blog. I always forget something.

So, today was feh. Im tired- it was boring and then shitty and now I'm finished with the day. On the plus, Bobby came over. I was feeling too bitchy to enjoy it. It is what it is. I have way too much crap on my mind anymore. I need to change some things. I feel trapped. I worry that things will never change.

Then it gets over whelming, then I just shut down and refuse to think about anything. At least until bed time when I'm stuck thinking about it.

I need to work on not getting so damn irritated. I need some time to myself alone sometimes. I really wish that people didnt just stop in my room and hover near me just because I have no bedroom door. It bothers me. If I am laying in bed reading, or typing on the computer- don't I deserve to be left alone? I'm never alone. And Im not talking about Carly either- because she's my baby. If she stops to talk to me or needs me or is in my room, that doesnt bother me.

Wah, wah, wah... I'll shuddup. I have to go to my grandparents tomorrow to help my brother trim hedges and bag up the branches. Because apparently my assistance is needed in everything. I am so exhausted of everything it's unbelievable. I want to break free. Dammit.

I am hoping that I can get to the gym tomorrow.

High Points!
- Carly
- Bobby
- Bobby's visit
- Getting things done at work
- Dinner. I enjoyed it
- Elvis Costello
- OH! Alex coming into work on Thursday of last week :)
- Seeing Fresh last week and today as well

So, I think Ive mentioned that I recently noticed how sensitive I actually am. Thats a lie- Ive always been real sensitive and Ive been aware of it for a very long time. Anyway- I just try not to let it get to me. But it's all been really getting to me alot lately. Somebody at work told me today that I am completely clueless. When I said that I wasnt- her reply was a snort and an 'yeah right' sounding "Please!".

You all know me. I am alot of things. Clueless or an airhead I never thought. It really hurt my feelings.

I hate letting shit get to me.

Song for the evening-



And I'm done for the day.

...Holy Moses, I have been deceived. Now the wind has changed direction and I'll have to leave. Won't you please excuse my frankness but it's not my cup of tea. Holy Moses, I have been deceived...

The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago...

...Turned around backwards so the windshield shows. Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse. Still, it's so much clearer....

I didnt blog at all last week. I dont think that anyone noticed. I opened this page almost 30 minutes ago and Ive just been listening to 'The Heart of Saturday Night' instead of typing and thinking about things that may or may not matter.

Last week was OK. On the plus- Amber started back for the Holidays. So we've been chatty. Bobby came over on Monday and on Thursday. I was so exhausted last week it was ridiculous. I went to bed early every night except for Thursday. I wanted to blame it on the Daylight Savings Time thing, but I dont know if thats what it was. I felt ok otherwise, but who knows? Im exhausted today- but thats because I got like 4 hours of sleep last night and Ive been awake since 7:30 this morning. Its been a crumby kind of day too. Bobby and I always listen to the 'Beatles Brunch' radio show on Sunday mornings when he drives me home. I used to listen to it with my Dad alot growing up. But the show wasn't on today. It really upset me. Then as soon as I get in the house I have to hear bitching and complaining about my choices and money, and guilt trips about upcoming plans that I've made for myself. Its hard to enjoy life sometimes. So I came home, attempted to watch a movie and that didnt work. Cleaned in the kitchen for a few hours organizing a cupboard for my mom. Yay today.

October is over- but it still lingers a bit. Im feeling alot better than I was. Ive been thinking alot more about myself lately- and Ive realized that I suck at confidence and believing in myself. Ive always believed I was a positive thinker- but thats just not true. At least not anymore. Ive thought alot about things Ive done the past year or so, and while alot of things have been great - I havent finished or evern bothered to try many things that have been on my list of things to better my life because I believe theres no real point in trying- because I probably can't do ____ insert whatever is on my mind at the moment.

It scares me because I see Carly getting that way her Math and I wonder does she see me not trying and think that same way about herself? I'll have to overthink this subject and analyze it as I lay in bed tonight.

Ive had a good weekend. Friday night Bobby and I didnt really do anything. It was my brothers birthday so we hung out at home and Bobby bought him pizza. Cake. Dinner. Presents. It was nice. Bobbys brother and his girlfriend brought their snapping turtle 'Aquapig' home to stay on Friday. She's cute. I touched her foot and thought she was very cute.

Yargh. Let me back up a little. Thursday was actually my favorite day of the week (not weekend) because Bobby came over and we got to be all snuggly and we watched Survivor together. I seriously love it when he comes and watches TV with me. I like laying all over him. And we had Play-Doh time with Carly later than normal since she was off on Friday. I made her a Turkey- she seems to always pick with the seasons.

Going back a little further- I hated Monday. For the obvious, normal, to be expected Monday reasons- but also because I burned my damn right ring finger pretty bad. Its still sore now almost a week later. And it looks gross.

Guess I'd better accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative...
- Carly
- Bobby
- Jerry's birthday
- Jerry's birthday cake...
- Amber starting back
- Poker night
- Panera Bread
- Panera Bread's new Macaroni & Cheese.
- Not really caring
- Smiling
- Singing in the car with Bobby
- Deciding to decide that I am way too self deprecating after all, and further deciding that I had better think more about this whole thing in bed tonight.

Well, I would like to try and blog a few times this week. It makes me feel better. Last week I was just DOA so I couldnt. I'm hoping for a better week for blogs this week. And also hoping that I will stop dwelling on Jessica and all that crap. Because it crosses my mind at least once (really several) time a day how we never talk anymore. And I was always so proud that we had been able to stay great friends for so long. Now- when I do happen to get her on IM or something half the time she has nothing to say to me and signs off without saying bye.

But I am going to tell you (as well as myself) that I really dont care about all that.

As usual...


...I forgot my shirt at the water's edge. The moon is low tonight. Night swimming deserves a quiet night. I'm not sure all these people understand. It's not like years ago, the fear of getting caught, of recklessness and water...