I was born in a town where the rivers flow free on a January night when the cold winds freeze...

I got an Irish name and an injury. Blessing and a curse cast down on me. Ain't nobody got the blues like me... Ain't nobody got the blues like me...

What a day... damn. I made a huge mistake at work. HUGE mistake. Ive been crying all day and worried. I shipped a large order twice over accidentally, and unfortunately theres nothing that we can do about it. The duplicates are all arriving. When I realized the mistake, my stomach literally turned.

What makes it even worse is that my boss was so nice and understanding. It wouldve been easier if she had just called me stupid and been angry at me. I felt so stupid. I still do. Every few minutes when it crossed my mind I started crying again.

I hate to cry, I especially hate crying at work. And with everything thats been going on with my personal life, since I never let myself cry, when I get started its hard to stop.

I know things will get better. I know that 2011 will be a good year. I have to have faith in that otherwise theres no pint in moving forward. This was such a weird hard year. Plus, in January Bobby and I are going to see Brian Fallon. I can't believe it. I mean - we did go see The Gaslight Anthem. But I think that this time will be different. Its solo, different set. Maybe some Tom Petty and Springsteen covers. I dont know. I can't freakin stand it whenever I think about it. Im so excited. Brian Fallon isnt aware of it, be he and I have this thing. We're pretty close. He sings to me and I understand just how he feels. We know each other very well.

And we've never even said hello.

Thats whats so great about music I guess. The connection. If you dont feel it, or you havent found your heart songs, I feel bad for you. Youve been cheated.

Im listening to 'Boomboxes & Dictionaries' now...

Now it's 'We Came To Dance' :::swoon:::

Its 10pm. I took a break to get Carly in the shower and to get her ready for de bedz. Its been a quiet uneventful night. I like it like that. I wanted to read before bed, but Im so dang tired I might not get to. I have to work this Saturday, so that will be the 7th day in a row that I've worked. Im hoping that I dont have to work on Sunday. But then again, the money is nice to have.

Im thinking I wanna wrap this thing up. My eyes are droopy and feel like they need a break. I gotta get in my crappy bed (that I have to add air to every night and morning... slow leak I guess) and hopefully fall right asleep.

I got bleach on my red cardigan, so no more red cardigan basically.

Randon, I want a mood ring, but I only wear sterling silver, and the only sterling silver mood ring I found was over $100 and too small. Just my lucks!

Okay, this must end. Hah.

- Carly
- Bobby
- Hearing 'I'm sorry' even though it was sort of too little and to late. Unfortinately that's all we get because thats all there is.
- Carly's little face smiling at me
- My boss being really understanding when she didnt have to be
- Crying. I really hate to cry, but I never get it out, so I guess its good to do so. I guess.
- Knowing that I'm going to get to see Bobby tomorrow
- Molly's pageant and Pop's birthday
- You know..
- Oh gosh, why I was thinking of this today I DO NOT KNOW, but I do know there is only ONE person who will know what Im talkin about. - Poppy seeds. (you had to be there, okay, wait, I'm really glad that you werent there actually)
- Talking about the future with Bobby. This was actually a few weeks ago, but I havent mentioned it yet.
- Having my bad-ass Manda matrix scenes in my mind. Im pretty f'n awesome in my little mind.

- This video, which I came upon last night and told Bobby I was going include in my next blog...



COME ON! SING IT LIKE YA MEAN IT!

I told B it makes me wanna see it again but somebody borrowed it and has yet to return it ::cough!:: Will :::cough!::: Just sayin ;)

But seriously, is there anyone out there that doesnt love that movie? Is there anyone who didnt get goosebumps the first time they saw this scene? Im a ridiculous woman I know. Movies romaticize everything, and I know life isnt like that, but sometimes I wish I had THAT kind of life. With magic moments like you see in the movies.

Laying in bed last night, as I was thinking of everything thats been happening lately and the way Ive felt so miserable and insistant that there was no point and I was destined to miserable, I remembered something. I tuck Carly in every night. Every night I kiss her left cheek, then her right, then we rub noses four times and I kiss the top of her head. Everytime I do that, I feel really good. Like really happy. She's my world. And I knew I was genuinely happy just a few hours prior when I tucked her. And as I once said, a very long time ago in my (greatly missed, by ME) myspace blog, that I acknowledge that the key to happiness is realizing that things arent always great, and the most we can hope for is a few perfect moments from each day when things couldnt get much better. And I have that. Thats why I started the blog. Thats why I include a highlight list. This thing is supposed to keep me on track and help me to remember whats good. I need to get back to it. I allow life to tear me down too much.

So, I am going to try and be positive and try to blog everyday like I used. And I will remember that happiness is just a serie of moments when life can't get any better.

Like right now. I has the Brian Fallon :)

And I also have two more videos for you...



And this...



I'm not gonna lie to you, when I saw these links I got pretty damn excited. Its like Bobby's world and mine crashing together in epic awesomeness...

AND, one last one. If your here, and your reading my blog, please remember that the video is part of it and quite necessary to my mood, feeling, and personality.

In other words, please watch dem. Thanks! At least watch this one if you watch no other. Ive used it in my myspace blog (that I miss, Im gonna say it again..) but it's beautiful, and the story in the beginning always makes me tear up.



And I think thats gonna be a wrap.

Was a blood red sky on the morning tide. Was a cold wind blowing when I left that night. And the morning bells rang, alright, alright. Shoulda stayed home with you that night. Ain't nobody played the fool like I. Ain't nobody played the fool like I.. Things got bad and things got worse, half like blessing, half like curse. It's these blessings so hard to see sometimes. Gotta little clearer about dusk last night, ain't nobody got a blessing like mine. Ain't nobody got a blessing like mine. It's a red sky night and I'm doing alright. It's a red sky night and I'm doing just fine.

Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again...

...seems like I'll be wearing the same old chains. Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free. And I know some day I will find the key. I know somewhere I will find the key. Seems like I've been playing your game way too long. Seems the game I've played has made you strong. When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser. I know I'll walk out of here again. I know someday I'll walk out of here again. Well now I'm trapped...

Ive opened up a blank page on here for the past 2 nights, I just havent been able to get started. I worked from 8 to 7 today and yesterday pretty much. I slept through my alarm clock this morning. Honestly, its been a really bad day. I was excited (initially) about this Christmas. At the very beginning of the Holidays, I always have hope for something really great. Some Christmas magic. Last Christmas was kinda small and piddly for Carly. I tried but I didnt have alot of money. Its really lame and stupid, but this year when I was cleaning the house in preparation for the decorations, I decided that I would rearrange the furniture the way it was positioned the Christmas before last. Because that Christmas was a really good one and I thought maybe (even though I really do know better) that if I switched it around then maybe Christmas would be better this year.

Well, that didnt happen. In fact, life here in the house is getting harder everyday. I dont know what to do. Im damned if I do and damned if I dont. Im so tired, I dont know what the hell to do anymore.

If anyone would like to tell me what the hell Im supposed to do or what exactly it is that Im doing wrong, Id really appreciate it. I need a break. I need to do better. I need alot of things, I need someone to tell me what it is that I need because I clearly have been doing shit wrong for a very long time.

Im just sitting here listening to 'The River' and obsessing over things I cant change. I took a Tylenol PM and plan on going to sleep really soon. I asked someone the other night what does this all mean? I mean shit is hard. Really hard. Why are we all here? Why? I just dont understand. I hear sirens outside and I cant help wondering if its Santa Claus on the fire truck. But its after 9, so its likely just something awful thats happened. Thats what happens in life.

Friday will be my Pop's 83rd birthday. Im looking forward to that actually. And Thursday I have Molly's Christmas Pageant. Im looking forward to that too. Plus Bobby is going to both with me. He was here last night and I just feel better if I can hug him and put my head on his chest. Its strange how good that feels. It feels right. And I like that. Whenever I think about the way it feels when he hugs me, thats the only thing that comes to mind. It just feels right. In a place where so many things feel wrong. I dont care whats happening or where I am, it feels like Im where Im supposed to be, and thats something Im not very used to. Plus he lets me yap on about music and express every little thought and feeling that pops into my head. And I think he enjoys my music babble. We had a good weekend. We had a family get together at his Aunts on Saturday afternoon, then we went shopping. We'd had plans to go see the Pietasters, but Bobby wasnt feeling great and his knee was acting up, so we just took it easy really. And I was so tired. For no apparent reason, I was not able to sleep on Friday night and I was really exhausted on Saturday for most of the day. So I appreciated us being able to call it an early night.

Tonight though. Geez, there are no words. Except why? And no more... please. 'Backstreets' is playing now and it seems perfect...

I have some high points. In the middle of sheer crap- theres always a positive to be seen.

- Carly (of course)
- Bobby (as always)
- Having a job
- Overtime
- Having some hope for something.
- Thinking too much - it drives me crazy, but its part of who I am
- Laying on Bobby
- Having him to depend on. No matter what.
- Knowing I have a great fella, the bestest, better than all the restest!
- Carly telling ME a Beatles fact that I didnt know (this is from a few weeks ago, but still thrills me. Plus, I dont think Ive blogged about it yet)
- Sleeping
- Bruce Springsteen
- Being that much closer to Christmas, and almost through with the crazy madhouse that work becomes this time of year.
('Downbound Train' just went off and 'Incident On 57th Street' just came on. My iTunes is singing tome tonight)
- Going to 5 Guys. Its so bad, but I havent had it in forever so it was really good. And now I wish I had ity again.
- Running into Rita last week and finding out some great news, she's pregnant!
- Finding out that Danny & Sam are having a girl and naming her Abigail. I know they will call her 'Abby' for short, and so will I, but in my mind I will be saying ABBEY. And she will be an awesome chick, I can feel it.
- Driving with Bobby and listening to music. Even though it wasnt for too long, driving is one of my very favorite things. Whether Im talking, not talking. If the music is playing soft and we're looking out the windows. If the music is blasting and we're flying down the road. I love to be in the car with the music and nowhere to go.

Hope we do it again real soon.

So, iTunes is having a beautiful night. All the best Springsteen that makes ya feel like your all alone and that makes you think and that makes you realize that lifes hard but thats life.

I was looking at this woman I work with this afternoon. She is always so happy and pleasant. Shes even nice looking and has a sweet looking family. Shes genuine and you can tell she cares about everyone and shes never said a bad thing about anyone. Plus she is never snappy with anyone at work and she even smiles on bad days. So, getting back, I was watching her this afternoon. I knew she was having a rough day, only because she said 'Man, this has been a rough day.' but she was still smiling and friendly. She sat at her desk and answered the phone in her same pleasant tone and she always asks for my help and is so nice to me.

So, this afternoon, as I sat at my desk and worked, I thought what I wouldnt give to be so happy-go-lucky. Wow, if I could be like that. And the reason I wish I was is because seeing her and knowing her the bit that I do, makes me realize that it can be REAL to be happy-go-lucky. She isnt phony or annoying even. I like her. I feel ashamed when shes too nice to me because I almost feel like a jerk most of the time.

Not that any of this matters. I guess Ive just had a rough day and such. So Im analyzing things. And I have all my Springsteen songs shuffled and Jerry says Springsteen is always depressing. Which I dont think, but ever since he said that it remains in the back of my mind.

So, please, if things can get better or easier I hope that it can all start tomorrow.

'Factory' is on now.

I guess I should go now. Its getting late and I hope to go to bed by 10. And I still gotta call Bobby and say good nite.



One more...





And one for the evening, an just how it feels. Or should I say, 'but that's not the way it feels'..



I'm in love with music. Its the best thing.

Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long. Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm. But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me. Someday I'll walk out of here again. Someday I'll walk out of here again...

Trapped...

And I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real. How can you look at me, as if I was just another one of your deals?

Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold, you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold. You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin. Yeah,
now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him"...

Well, it's been a bit since Ive done this. I never get around to it even though I always want to. It makes me a happier me.

Work has been so crazy lately. I dont know what it is about the holidays that always make me feel just a little sad. Maybe its because things change over the years. Maybe its because my life isnt all worked out the way that I would like and I know that I can blame nobody but myself. I think of my friends who have had majpr changes in their lives recently and I feel guilty for feeling sad during the holidays. After all - my life at least maintains the same crap day in and day out.

Ive been working between 9-10.5 hour days. Carly misses me and Im tired. I havent been to the gym at all this week, and I hate that. Plus I know that next week is going to be a real shit storm at work. I'm dreading it. As I sit here right now in fact, I am obsessing about the unfinished work I left this evening when I came home. I have a head cold and my right ear isnt hearing right.

Another thing that happens every year is the guilt I feel for working long hours and the zombie that I become. Not to mention that I always feel that I am not getting Carly enough. Its tough at times. Feeling inadequate.

Ive been so damn wishy washy and tearing up at the drop of a hat. I welled up the other night watching a television show. Its stupid. I was alone, thankfully, but still I hate swallowing that lump in the throat.

I want Carly to have a great day, and all of my family and friends of course, but I will be glad when the season is over. Work to resume normal, life to slow back down and to not be pulled in 500 directions.

So, I am excited about a few things. I got Carly the Beatles Yellow Submarine action figures for Christmas. She asked for them. She also asked for a parakeet and a dsi. She just tacked the dsi onto her list and I can not afford it. Her grandmother is getting it for her, and for aome reason it makes me feel like a failure. Last night as we were decorating the tree Carly was saying how she hoped to get a dsi and I felt so ashamed for not being able to afford it. Ive gotten quite a bit of stuff and Bobby and I are planning to go finish shopping this weekend. I am looking forward to that. I think I'll feel better when all the shopping is done.

My high lights

- Carly
- Bobby
- Smiling
- Going out with friends and having a great time :)
- Getting Carlys Christmas stuff
- Making tattoo plans!
- Feeling better about the gym (although not this week)
- Being busy at work ( even though it drives me nuts...)
- Overtime and extra dough
- Laughing
- Singing
- Laying in bed and listening to music
- Reading
- My 'relationship with Brian Fallon that Bobby made fun of.


I could go on. I should go on. But its getting late. I need to finish up and get to sleep. Ive been staying up way too late and I need to get to sleep. Gonna be another long day tomorrow...

Just for you!


Hey, John Lennon. Your my guy.

..Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry. I said, "I love you like the stars above, I love you 'till I die" And there's a place for us, you know the movie song, when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?...